Blood rising up...

And it's down and flowing..

A bad day today.. being Monday.. It was more of red than blue..

I burst it all, one person has money depleting, and another has too much not knowing what to do.. While another has noone around, one has too much that time alone was no more.. Humans, being humans... I guess I ain't human enough anymore..

I had nothing, then too much... And just when I am getting used to being something common, I was thrown again to something unfamiliar.. That I guess is just too normal for me.. I know not where the gush of adventure ran to..

I was once interested, now I'm more worried than excited.. Wanted so much to help, but I need help more than people I wanted to help..

Sometimes, I seek but find not. Sometimes, I found it but lost it all over again.. Understand me not, for I am not to be understood.. One goes away, far from me, only to return with someone new... And here I am, still alone in my dreams that goes broken.. One comes back with promises only to go home breaking it all with tears..

I guess... It's time to go.. but I can't for I have many, just too many to settle.. Unrest mind, lost soul.. Where are you, my feelings, my senses, my energy, my smile? Where have you gone? I missed them all, but I hate them all the same...

Once again, LOST..

Gave up

It seemed that everyone has been depleting from my life.. For one reason or another, one being after another decides to leave..

Now even Julian can't stand me.. failed me more than twice.. is enough..

Another lost post

After typing over 300 words about everything.. the post just died.. Darn Julian! I need a new machine!! Julian is doomed.. She's dying.. and she's killing me along! Darn you, Julian.. Geesh..

ROCK never DIEs

I went out last night, first stop is Temasek Club to meet up my ex-collegue. Introduced to his army buddies back in the 60s to 70s. Yes, there're all old chaps with children complete with grandchildren. I feel forever-young with them. Hee...

THE RIDGE BAND played life.. There're so good, but I strongly thinks that they're a little underpaid. THE RIDGE BAND are made up of all Fillipinos, a drummer, keyboardist, lead guitarist, bass guitarist, and two female vocalists. They used to play all rock genre, but has switched to more of show music, which means they are capable of playing any song you pick out of the blue. Be it country, sentimental, slow, rock, jazz, blues, whatever it is, I'm pretty sure they'd do it well. They has been around for three years in this profession, and has been playing at Temasek Club for 6 weeks on a 6days week basis. Their contract with Temasek Club will end Jan '07. They'll play from as early as 8pm till as late as 2am. I had a brief talk with them, asking if they'd come if I were to invite them to play for a party. One of them asked my budget for their talents only, told me they do not have the intrumentations and that I should provide them to perform. They asked about where the party is going to be held, for how long they are expected to play, how many people are going to be there, and all sort of questions that caught me off-guard... In all honesty, I haven't even give it all a thought!

Next, my ex-collegue's friend brought me to watch another purely Malay ROCK band, Maleex. It's really really the old time kind of Rock band, with long hair, bandanas on the thighs/knees/arms kindda people. I am so proud to have them still standing firm and doing well, no matter how hard it used to be, they still kept true and do the things they love. And they are friendly too... This band plays till 3am. So I didn't get to see much, only catch the last set of songs. They are great nonetheless. Truly salute my respects to them! WA CAYA SAMA LU LA~

Then we went to WoodStock, another rock band called FireBall. All Malays except the lead guitarist who is a Fillipino. They play till 6am. This time, I won't say much about the band or his members. I would talk about the people at WoodStock instead. It's a very new experience for me. It's filled with the whole young Malay population, I'd say three quarter of them has tattoos. The girls are no older than 25 I guess. On the dance floor, there're only two females and the rest of the space is filled up by the boys. Yeah.. All I see are boys dancing all over the dance floor. I was drinking iced water through out. These boys, are on a tight budget and still wanna have fun, for that reason they never asked a girl to dance with them, as it will mean he has to pay for her drinks, or at least expected to.

Then there was this guy who was beyong his drinking limit, he was way gone goner. Still, he stubbornly wants to dance with this girl, tried to kiss her, then attempted to go on the bartop to dance. Everyone including his friends were at standby just in case he falls on his back, his friends were holding his legs, and he start to imitate how the ladies danced earlier, the sexy pole dance, and it was just a pain in my eyes. Thank god, he didn't unzip or attempted to. And thank god, he didn't fall and make a scene. He still didn't give up the attempt to kiss and hug that girl, but some guy came to her rescue, pushed him away and pulling her behind him simultaneously. Then he got him behind this long table, then they left him alone, I kept my eyes on him, and seeing him try so hard to get out of there and to get near the girl just tickle my toes. Next I saw him, he was hugging his friend and it looked his he's taking a deep breath under his friend's armpit.

Then I hit home, I reached home at 6am... My parents threatened to chase me out, but I will just be more than happy to live on my own again. I will be.. immensely contented to simply live life the way I wanted to. The reason why I do this, going out and coming back late, is because I don't want to be filled with regrets when I get too old to do such again. I wanted to see things I've waiting to see. I don't want to stay home do shit, and lose out. I want to know all the possibilities in life. All the places I can go. I want to be travelling and do the outrageous before I settle down. I want to be sure of the things that I wanted done.

Is it wrong, to be wanting to experience it all? To be wanting to explore the things noone in your family ever tried? Is it wrong, to just be happy or wanting to be happier?

Fragile

It's painful, to see the amount of people coming in and out of my life... Telling me lies and slowly revealing the truth, in a way so harsh to accept. You gave me a hand getting up from my lowest pit, just to let me go and land deeper inside...

In the dark I sit, awaits another to help me again, and when the hand comes, I hesitate and I doubt, will he help me just to see me fall deeper and harder again? Or will he try and catch me so I don't fall again?

During this period of waiting in humbleness, I tried getting up, I tried getting out... But I fall again, to know that I'm all alone facing this world, that noone really hear my cries nor care.

Tears roll down my cheeks, never are they dry again. Reminding me that I have to be strong, to face this world all alone. To rid the fear of being afraid. To risk it all and be the top. To smile again even when I'm trashed.

I close my eyes, stayed in the dark, attempted to lurk out, to see my reflection once more.

Is there room for me to be happy and stay happy with companionship? Or am I worthless for a try so much that all I feel is betrayal after another?

Wakey wakey...

Get UP!!!!

What is wrong with you people?! Oh.. Haha.. Have you been looking for me? Yes? NO? Or ya.. I knew noone would look for me, and guess what?

I had FUN!!

5th - 6th Augustus 2006,

I went swimming, BBQ, and have so much fun that I just ermm.. Forgot to go home? Haha.. NO.. I didn't go drunk.. I was talking to a professor for screaming out loud..

Talking about nothing a Singaporean would ever lay their eyes on.. Something most Singaporeans are ignorant towards.

And that day, I saw more than 20 blondies, all blue eyed.. at one session.. Geesh.. It's like such a blondish weekend! They all speak Norwegian, which sounded like German+Spanish+French.. Yea.. Imagine the music running through my ears.. Hee..

And, to be honest, there are a few weird ppl.. One is so tall, he speak to us while holding the ceiling, Yes the ceiling!!! He must be 2m tall or something! There's one from India, his eyebrows are joined together, and he is a little weird, saw him dancing.. It made him much more than just queer..

And then there's one who's a Phillipines, but was brought up in Dubai. He's interesting to some end. He brought in wine, desperately asked people around to finish his first bottle, which in no doubt is perfectly beautiful.. He washed one glass honourably just for me.. Hee.. I am so honoured.. Gracious, Sire!

Oh well, and please don't ask for names, I am horrible at it, and yes, I don't recall any names at all! Apologies..

I enjoyed the weekend so much.. And I await for more to come.

Worried readers, worry no more for JMY is back in action! Yippeee..

Plans for the week:

Today is done, just to work and back home.

8th August,
There's an office warming after work, then dinner.
Also fireworks in the list! Must see..
Be back by midnight.

9th August,
It's a holiday in commemorate of the National Day.
Stay home, I guess, else I go to Ummie's house.

10th August,
Back to work. Might catch the movie using my freepasses.
Back by 11 if i catch the movie, else by 10.30 or earlier.

11th August,
Friday.. hmmm.. There're more Fireworks.. Might go see again, if I don't see enough on the 8th.

12th August,
It's the weekend, more fireworks.. If I still havent had enough I might catch it again. Hee.

13th August,
Time to choose the clothes for work week. And early night for MONDAY..

That's it. So stop worrying.. :p

I need positive eons..

I have been down, and have been staying down for too long..

I don't understand why I ended up in such a state.. Noone seems to help.. And someone just hung up on me, and never did come back to me..

I have no importance what-so-ever in anyone's life.. And maybe that is just so true..

I WILL NOT TOUCH MY MOBILE, and I WILL NOT BE CONTACTABLE..

Find me all you want, but don't make my life worse by telling me that it's all my fault, my own making.

Goodbye, have a nice day.

My top 5 list

My top 5 list why I don't need the freaking mobile...

1. No one will ever call or text me if I never did call or text them first.

2. No matter how long I switched my mobile off, noone ever will try to find me.

3. I only received 2 texts after switching my mobile off for at least 12hours and they are, "Call me back" and "Hi"

4. When I switched it back off and on after another 6hours, I couldn't resist but to text someone just to be reminded that other people have other important things to do than to meet my needs.

5. I felt lonelier with a mobile than when I'm without.

I felt like I'm just a waste of space.. It's like I deemed no right over my emotions....

Noone is ever around to console my tears back from flowing again.. Noone ever will be here with me to go through my downturns.. And when I couldnt make it by their side when they are going through all these.. They said I'm selfish..

Now, was it selfish, that I kept my feelings from the situation? Was it selfish, when I let myself go through hell just to see you smile? Was it selfish, when I gave you what I have and go through all the tough for you? Was it selfish, to think of your goodwill, more than mine? Was it selfish, not expecting anything from you? Was it selfish, to leave you alone, thinking you're busy? Was it selfish, to accept the harsh accusation you have for me?

Maybe it's selfish of me now, to dig on to the old past... But am I not deemed the right to think likewise?

Someone once told me, "Fair? You asking why life is not fair? take a look at your hands, are your fingers of equal length and size? So how's life gonna be fair?"

Another said, "Life's never gonna be fair, even after you have your fair share"

Question is, will my turn come?

My top 10 list

My top 10 list for staying at home....

1. I'm saving money.

2. I don't feel the need to go out, just to spend money that I need to save.

3. The people who are available to meet up will not guarantee that I'll reach home safe or has no means to guarantee that I'll reach home safely.

4. The people who have the means to get me home safely, stay too far away, too occupied, or not up to meet up.

5. I'm need to save more money.

6. Do I really need to go out?

7. I don't want to lose my parents' trust, once is more than enough.

8. I've got so many things on my mind that the thought of going out makes me tired.

9. I need sleep more than I ever need to get out.

10. I don't have the mood to get out of my room.

The first save money part is for my future machine. The fifth save money part is for my travelling plans.. It is not repetitive.

Yes.. I've got what I've been waiting for, but it's weird, because I don't feel all excited and up for celebrations like how I used to anticipate this day..

Maybe, too much has happened, so much so that a celebration is not needed. And such an achievement is more like a self achievement, only to be celebrated in one's heart and soul and with no other..

No, I'm not going to ruin it all by going all out to catch up with things that I've missed out. No, I have no plans whatever to stay up all night anytime soon.

Yes, some friends asked me to, but I have yet to accept nor decline. Yes, I'm planning to go MIA for a week or so, to thoroughly reflect the things I need done, and things I need to rid.

Maybe, I think too much... Maybe, I'm being selfish. Maybe, I'm just tired. Maybe, I'm just growing up. Or maybe, I'm being influenced..

Yes, it's time to sleep.... Good night readers..