Wo ist der lieb?

Sometimes I wonder, where the feeling of being love and wanting to love has gone...

I just couldn't accept another being anymore, it suddenly feel so uncomfortable to hold hands, to hug, to kiss.. It just seemed so unacceptable now. I felt like I'm being used, so is made to be used.

I don't feel the need anymore, it seemed like love is so disgusting suddenly. I am just contented with my own work, my own life, and memerized myself in the love among my friends and no more than that.

Asked WV to pick me up as I need to collect my prepaid from Sharmie at Yishun and I have no grounds what-so-ever of how to get there and she can't make it out to meet me up due to time constraints. So WV picked me up and he sent me up to Yishun then back home.

That was simple, being friends, nothing more, just sit and talk about things that make you laugh and think of nothing more. Life is already complicated and love seemed to have made it even much more than just complicated. It's so much clearer and simpler when we put our cards on the table and state clearly what we want. And it's fun when that other party understand your needs, but it's mere hell when the other party thinks he understand when he wasn't even paying attention to any word I've been saying. It's worse when he asked me what I've just explained to him before.

It's hard to say, I just don't understand why some tend to push it further. It's worst when they don't realise that he's pushing and is pushing me even further away...

Sometimes, I yearn to set my own family up... Sometimes, I yearn to be alone and never have to think of another person before myself, then again, I've always put everyone else above me. It's hard to explain what I want, some thinks I'm just taking advantage.. Others think I'm easy and takes advantage of me, and when I turn the table around, they tend to say I'm a hypocrite or worst, a slut..

It's hard being me, I'm not an open book to read to start with. It's not easy trying to understand me. I speak of a language barely anyone understand, I see things that not many will catch, I think of things that noone will ever get their minds on, I hear voices that noone listens to and I feel stinges of death where noone will be..

If it's hard just to understand me, then how will one handle me and my unpredictable character and mysterious traits?

die Sache ist die, ich brauche aus den Schwierigkeiten herauskommen.... Ich möchte meine Ruhe haben, Bitte nicht stören! Lassen Sie sich nicht abhalten!

Leb wohl!

Sisters' Day Out...

Met Ummie first, she wanted to go FES to get her bag and wallet before heading to Mama's place. Got there, but instead of going to FES, we went to Isetan.. She found a suitable bag, found a close matching wallet, then ask me to choose one for myself.

This I did, and she bought it and says that's my Birthday Present.. How nice of her.. Hee.. Got new wallet.. Yeay! Hee..

Then, I don't know how, but time went passed, and it's time to go.. Sharmie texted me, so I met her at CG for awhile... Talked and before I know it, it's time for me to leave..

Got home, gave Mom the milk Mama bought for her.. Then I'm sitting here online, then I received a rather bad news..

What will you do, when someone you cared for texted you and say he/she's not well, having high fever, hospitalised or need some help? I would have ran to him/her and nurse him/her back to norm.. But thing is.. I can't... I am forbidden to..

I know I would do it for anyone, regardless of who it is. A friend, a family, sworn enemy, or someone more.. they are still human and they do deserve help if they ask... It's not about returning a favour or expecting a favour in return, it's about human kindness..

I wish I could do more than just sit here, and pray for your best health. I wish I could do more than just texting you back health advices...

Just a thought..

Everyone, will at one time, wishes he/she is someone else. It's a fact, do not argue.

I was at one time wishing I have a different set of parents, different race and even religion.. I once wish I am someone popular, famous and filthy rich, then I learnt it was not always that easy. I learnt to accept the way I am... But I honestly still wish I was the least a little richer than I am. Who doesn't? You see, the rich always get richer, leaving the poor to be poorer.. It's freaking true.

The poor sacrifice with empty stomachs, without shelther, working their arse to get a dollar to buy bread and eat that for the week. The rich got more than just one shelter, they could buy whatever they see appealing, bought expensive food to waste, get free admissions, get VIP seats, receive unlimited attention, gifts from everywhere, free flights after travelling loyally with certain airline service.. there are many other priviledges these rich people get that noone beneath their financial status can ever lay their hands on. And their bank account keeps growing, with the best interest rates.

The poor, bank account could never reach the minimum because they couldn't afford, and the bank will deduct a certain value because they don't have the minimum amount in their savings.. And soon their bank account will be terminated. They couldn't even get anywhere near anywhere, because everywhere they go, they get chased out because they ain't got money. They sleep on the streets, begging for a little space to sleep. Sadly, these people.. they often misuse the help people offer and tend to depend on help too much once they do. I would say, not all of them, but most of them, because they never seen much money, or get any form of privilledge, and when they do get to lay their hands on a big sum of money, they tend to buy the most unneeded things.

Oh well, I'm getting off my point.. Let's get back on track... What truly makes every individual different? The way they are brought up, where they grew up, how they live, who they meet, mainly, it's the unique brain cells that sets them thinking set every person different.

Men and women think differently. Men often show physical affection because they don't understand the language of women's emotions. Women often put physical affection with the emotions too much. I agree not everyone's the same. There are cases where it's vice versa, where the woman did not want any commitment and just do what makes them happy, and have the man being so committed and sets her to boredom.

Maybe it's the fact that I have experienced the good and bad of a marriage that makes me freak myself out when I find myself in a commited relationship. God knows what I want. Honestly, I am at lost sometimes.

All I want is to have fun and just run away from any relationship commitments. I'm not saying I don't need love, affection or companionship. Oh hell ya, I want some form of companionship where love and true affection exists. I do want to spend my life with someone whom I'm comfortable with, but not now, not anytime soon. In fact, I don't wanna be thinking about it.

I just want to be with someone fun, interesting, where knowing that person just leads you to not knowing him at all, where there's always something about him that you have yet to know. Maybe because I am like that.. No one really knows what I'm thinking. And I rather it stays that way, but sometimes, it just irritates me. To have someone who keeps repeating himself bores me.

Some people think they know me, and can handle me with their tiny finger.. They don't realise I am bigger than my physical size. There's so much more about me that they just don't see and won't see. There's so much more about me than just what they see. I am complicated in my ways, and that's my life. I need debates, disagreements, discussions... though there are times when I only need a listening ear.

I live in a world of mysteries, waiting to be uncoded. Some are easy to hack, some will just pass you the fatal virus. I want to explore the whole world, know everyone, then erase my existence in their memory when I think the time is done.

I am cruel, I am a bitch, say what you want... I accept it with gracefulness for I know I am imperfect, and I probably don't deserve any form of happiness, but one thing I don't owe anyone to is My life. I decide who I want to be, where I want to end up at, and how I'm going to go about it.

No one forces me into anything, I do it at my own will and I will stop at my own will. I won't settle down for the second best... I don't want to be regretting all over again. I will be here, stay by your side, but I can't be there forever... One day I have to leave.. The day when God calls me up, I will go and noone can prevent that....

I need a break.. Don't cloud my judgement, don't haze up my mind... It's already dark, don't make it worse..

Darkness within the light is where I truly belong.. And so be it... A good switch once in awhile is great, but the light hurt my eye...

Not a fantastic June

Naa... This month isn't any good...

It clashes with my name, and it got me penniless. My mom ironed my clothes and one of my favorite smart all white shirt was burnt. Oh well.. It's just not my month..

Went for touch, just got home, ate and showered... It was great at touch, but I barely did catch up with any of the guys, mainly because it has been ages the last seen or spoke to them, besides.. There are so many new faces whom I've never spoken to... So it's almost back to square one where I have to get to know all of them again. A few ol' lads chat up with me but I was the least interested.. Not because I'm losing the interest to play, but too many other thoughts are clouding my mind.

I had a few catches and touches this time, I slide to the hard ground.. OUCH.. But that's cool.. At least I didn't drop the ball. I'm going to play for this year's comm and asian masters this year.. 15th and 16th July would be the Masters and BUCKS is putting in a women's team. The whole of August would be the NTL's comm.. I'm all in and fully booked by BUCKS..

Simon Stacey was shocked to find me puffing.. He said I don't look anything like a smoker.. Oh well.. Looks are deceiving if you hadn't know.. I didn't touch a drop of beer that's going out free.. (It was sponsored by BREWERKZ) Simply don't feel like a Beer, besides, I am not a Beer Person.. It stinks, and it taste horrible... Yeah, screw me, I haven't learnt the art of drinking beer and I never will.. I've got expensive taste buds, nothing I can do about that! Ha!

Ken M sent me home. He's gonna have dinner with his nephew who came to stay for a holiday. I dare to say, he's the only one who made me feel home with BUCKS.. He always makes the effort to make sure I'm okay and comfortable. I don't know, he's just the kind of person who will make anyone's day... Or so I think..

I ain't going for the jamming session today, am tired, and it's getting dark here... If it rains, I'm gonna sleep and wake up next morning. Now, don't go calling me a sleeping pig, it's the weekend and it's the only time that my parents made it legal for me to sleep extra long hours!

Another puff, a cup of tea, a conversationg with mom and dad, then I'll be off to Lala Land..

G'day!

Riding weakness and strength

I noted all my weakness but fail to note my strength actually...

Had a quick but useful chat with the instructor. My weakness is mainly my eyeline; figure of 8 and e-brake; I need to change the habit of looking down. I should play with the rear brake and not rely entirely on the clutch and trottle.

With practice, (as said by the instructor) I will be fine. He reckon I should do self practice just before the circuit evaluation and get my confidence and eyeline right. Another useful tip... If you know the lower cut seat bikes are limited, do your booking of the bike by putting your helmet on the desired bike.. Ha! Bet no one knows that he/she can do that!

My next prac would be riding with and as a pillion, doing the test route. I will enter the circuit, head to the slope, turn right straight to figure 8 and crank course, then to the right turn junction and head to the narrow plank, pylon and e-brake then out of the circuit. Should do okay.

Sharmie is like 3 pracs ahead of me, she has already hit the roads.. I have a competition, but I can't afford to go as often as she does.. Time is limited in my hands, so I will just do what I can and put my best, wish and pray Sharmie will make it and get her license as quickly as God would allow her to. Then, I have a chance to be her pillion and get her to send me to the driving school so I can go for my prac.. Hee..

I can't wait for The Day.. The sound of it is already exciting... I can almost taste the fun...

Oh just a quick one, Mr is going to be a FATHER.. Woo hoo! Congratulations, Dude! And Mrs, don't let Mr bully the little ones with confusion.. He loves to confuse kids and will get their brains all tangled up.. heee..

Also on news, MA starting school on 3rd July.. So many things I didn't know.. Cooks have to wear boots.. safety boots... Yeah, must be those shoes that a knife can never cut through.. Hee..

Another news, WORLD CUP... My bet, the champion either has to be Germany or Brazil.. Germany amazingly did quite well, considering that their defence are pretty hmmm... beautiful?
Next on news, ME... yes Me... Caught again by CP.. This time, I was singing.. Unknown to me that it was loud and can be heard by him.. Oppsie.. And the RC, the guy who look like someone I admire.. It's his last day at work today.. So sad.. His smile and the man I know is so so alike.. I'm gonna miss The Smile.. If I had known, I would have probably stood by the printer and look at him for as long as I can possibly admire.. (And.. that would freak him out causing him to leave right away....)

Oh.. lastly, NLA has been proposed!! Congrats girl! You're such a lucky lady! A bouquet of roses, a romantic dinner and a proposal.. How sweet... Awww... She's got the diamond ring on her engagement finger.. It's such a sparkle for a beautiful lady like her..

And guess what? 6 more Wednesdays to go.. Woohoo!

I'm gonna go touch touch and score tomorrow.. Fill myself with energy just to burst it all out.. Dunno if tomorrow's jamming is still going on.. Texted S but no reply yet.. Sunday is Sisters' Day Out... It's not always that we sisters are all free to catch up.. Can't waste that day...

Feel like swimming after my touch training... But we'll see...

Somethings.....

Some things...

They just couldn't be the same....

Some things...

They get sensitive and change...

Some things...

Beautiful as it seemed.. is not always as beautiful on its whole....

Some things...

Are just best to be left untouched unseen and unheard...

Some things....

Appear the same, but different altogether...

Some things....

You just can't handle, and one of those is me...

In Touch with Touch

Yes.. I'm back in action..

The field was wet, stinky and in such a pretty sight. A few slides, a few splashes... What do you get? Dropping balls, Struggle to run(or even just to walk), shoes being stuck in the mud(often, the shoe will pull your feet and you couldn't even budge).

I walked home like a bull out of nowhere, covered with mud, smelly stinky sticky, got the stares.. but who cares?

Parents looked at me with their mouth opened... It shows that it has been a really really long time the last I came back home in that condition.. I head to the showers, and indeed, in this condition.. I just have to be in the shower for the whole hour almost, cleaned my shoes, clean the toilets, clean myself, clean my hair, clean my face, clean my body again, clean the toilet floor, pour excessive water in my shoes, drown my dirty clothes, clean myself again, soap myself, shampoo, cleanse soap and shampoo, put on conditioner for hair, wash face again, cleanse face and hair again, soap body again, and cleanse myself.. tadaa... CLEAN ME!!!

Dinner, ate.. and quickly am hungry again.. Tired, I might just sleep, but so hungry.. hmmm.. Milo should help..

Oh yeah... Any grabbers for Robbie Williams' Concert Tickets?

20 06 2006

Perfect numbers.. but not a very nice day to wake up to....

Raining... Cold.. Shiver...

Sleepy head, snoozing mind, heavy eyes...

Thoughts swimming through my mind....

News got into the day's picture....

Naughty images, screaming discrepencies....

Major disputes, of two minds of one body...

Zooming past, moving fast..

Drooling off to a new dimension, a different world...

Give me peace, bless me please...

Each day different, tomorrow to be better than today..

Monday Bloody Week

It's the start of unwanted blood flow.. No spills.. No smudge.. Just unbearable pain and discomfort.

Time to sleep, falling deep, slipping off, dreaming of.....

Wish for time to speed, blow off all misfortunes, turn the table round, make me float, amidst this fancy dream, with fun and no love.

Breaking free, smiles and laughters, no tear, no fear...

Good night.

seventeen june

It was still today. Nothing really moved, except the decending number in my bank account. It was decreasing so much, I was broke even before my first week of pay past. Felt hopeless.

A new phone I have, a new savings investment I own, but nothing seemed to brighten my day... Everyone seemed occupied, and when a good friend called, it seemed that I am occupied. My parents were talking again, but even they have no words to voice to me.

Went to my sister's place, she was occupied with clearing up the little mess that was left at her new home... Children was busy having fun annoying each other... Fell asleep, was joined by my niece.. Soon, it was time to leave..

Wearing my best lingerie doesn't seemed to make my day anymore. Texted some other, who doesn't seem to know what to reply and never did return my text. Checked my mail, not much.. A good chuckle, but I missed how time passed with a big smile that stays throughout the week.

Tomorrow is another day to get by before a new week begins all over again. It seemed impossible to breathe sometimes, but I am glad I was kept occupied with things to do, else the thoughts that go haywire at times.

I wished I knew too sometimes... I am still thinking about it, but it didn't make change how I see you. Good night. May your dreams be as wonderful as how I wished it to be.

I did it again.. Hee..

I bought a phone to replace my fast droping pricey Panasonic phone. Bought it last October at SGD500 and now I can only sell it off at SGD100.. So I bought a NOKIA, which most people would have agreed about their prices not dipping down that fast. Topped up another SGD150 for it.

It looks like a small tiny puny camera from its behind and a mini phone on its front. Slide it up to see its keypad. Just hope it doesnt betray me with a big dip of price in near future, even so, I would have got another phone.. Hee..

Wanted to trim my hair, but thought I should be home early for once. Am planning to take up that MoneyBack thingy at the Bank at abt 8am, then go for my appointment which is at 10am, give my old phone box for the mere $20, then do my hair treatment at JE. I should be out of done by afternoon, say 3pm. Am totally free after..

Not going for touch tomorrow, as it's been brought forward to 1230 and I wouldn't want to rush, plus, they are all going drinking while watching some games I dunno about.

My Sony Ericsson is at the service centre waiting for its surgery date. It should be discharged by end of the month. Just hope it gets well soon, miss it already.

Gotta go now.. Need my sleep...

As I fall deeper into my sleep, I will dream. As I dream, I will see you with arms wide open to greet me nice. To have your lips pressed against my head, to hear you whisper, to listen to your every breath, to look up and see your lips curl into a smile.

I will remember the words you send to me, like the winds gushing through my hair. Lifted me up and let me stay, and go away slowly... Just to make me yearn for more. And you'd come back, and keep coming back again, to remind me that you're there, and always will be there...

Of all people, why must it be you?

I was bad yesterday, not knowing what was on my mind but knew my head was heavy with thoughts. I was average today then one had to go and another spoiled my day completely, but thank god the day is ending.

I just can't get over the fact that of all people, it had to be you. It was so wrong of me to think that you got what I meant, but you didn't. You weren't even near it.

Of all people, why must it be heard by that pair of ears that don't even deserve a single word about me? Of all people, why must You fail me? Of all people, why must it always be me at the losing end?

I'm looking forward to something so near, yet out of reach. Maybe I planned too much ahead...

When what you see ain't what you always get....

It's strange how some people think I am ready to commit or look for their commitment in me...

I'm no normal typical gal you see on the road, who are insecure, unsure, or need a source to depend on. I am not someone who is able to commit or want anyone near me to commit just because I find it too much of a hassle. I don't wish or intend to depend on anyone around me, because I believe I can stand on my own to feet and survive every ups and downs independently.

I'm no typical gal, who sits at home, cook and produce kids. I'm someone who have dreams to accomplish. I see myself working my arse, earning money enough to splurge at everything I see. I see myself driving my own car, ride my own bike, and own my personal apartment.

I see myself enjoying myself, partying with my girlfriends, smoke and drink all night, and sleep till the sun comes down to get the hang over out of the body. I see myself, successful both at work and at play.. and be known for my mysterious way of things...

Till I see you again. Good night.

When night came.....

When night came, when the atmosphere evolved to another mystery, it was perfect the moment it start to differ till it starts to dissapear away with the alarm that was set.

My bed seemed nicer to lie on, but it seemed too big now. Somehow it has got too much space for me to even think of the much needed sleep to recharge. It seemed like I was tranced into someplace different, like I was hypnotised for a few hours and was suddenly brought back not knowing what had happened.

With you I dream of, in a world so different that is here. Some place where I truly belong, to be shared by only one and noone else. To a shagpad where noone else will ever dream of, where the world evolve around our souls.

To walk a journey only we exists, where no one can tresspass without being prosecuted. To be with your better half, your soul and your mind.

This is the dream I was to make true.

Trancing past reality and into my dreams, once again....

Till I return to where my feet is touching.

Punished in silence.....

It isn't the harsh word you throw but the silence you refuse to break that ache my heart. The time when you refuse to talk, text or even see me again. The thought was bad enough that almost made me trash.

I tried to keep myself busy.. Today, Mr is getting married today in Jakarta.. No, he didn't tell me. I got to know from many other voices from different lips. The waves are high and hard on me the moment i receive news.. The fact that I had to ask, to find out and not to be told. I wondered why, but I know it's useless.. Call yourself a friend and you don't even do what a friend would do. You never shared this great news. You hid everything from me, everything that everyone else have known but me.

And you walk away, and I let you walk right out. So, please. Keep to your word, if you wish to walk away, then don't look back or even think of coming back and expect things to go back to how it was before. If you don't want to go, then keep it to your word, be a proper friend and spare me the shame.

My phone is also giving me the silent treatment. Nothing from anyone.

One thing good yesterday.. I spoke to Sharmie, not of secret affairs, but of what the world is becoming, and what it had made us. The impact of men making use of us, made us too independent to even think of depending on others, made us programmed to do everything by ourselves without anyone else to put in their smallest energy.

It isn't like we are Men-Hater or anything close, just maybe we simply stopped making men the main subject in our daily life. We both maintained the distance, easily contented and ready to bitch about it a little before we stand up and walk with the current.

I hate being too serious, I just wanna have fun and enjoy the breezy night.

I am back since you re-appeared.

The simple pleasure of hearing to old records that brings nostalgic memories. The smile before the fall, the anxiety before the routined boring week, the sad look when everything is over..

I typed as I get back to track. In my mind, it speaks in the world of art. Bear with me, with the way I deliver a simple message as I weaved it with beautiful words.

A great deal of dilemma hit me, as I silently felt the rush against my skin. As my heart beat fast to keep up, I closed my eyes and saw your face smiling as you run your fingers through my hair. I saw your lips speak my name, your eyes engaged into mine. But as suddenly as you would appear before my eyes, you were gone by the light that entered my eyes as I lift my eyelids open.

You have been there and had seen me in my worst, the wreck that Skinny R had caused. You saw how hard I tried to move on as he continue to haunt my life. Then Mr came, with high hopes and promises... And he too went gone, the moment I delivered my desire to be the woman without a man, to be free and easy. Then he went gone, and found his woman. And here I am still in the lost. There was noone, as good as how Mr had been.

I felt the sudden need to buck up eversince you start appearing back in my dreams, hinting me.. Telling me my life is to change, that I have to return to where I once was, free and easy. To be true to myself, with no lies and just be the way I am. You brought back my smile and heart continue to beat fast as you appear in someone's else body. The feel was different, the feel was encouraging, dwelling to succeed.

I care not what was to come, I knew you would do it right for me. And I trust my life in your hands. The sight of you make me want to burn and grow the flames to fire. To stay lighted, I have to maintain my distance, the greatness of mysteries. To indulge in another mystery after another. The neverending adventure, unpredictable, unseen, and unexpected.

And I knew why God put your misery down before you can even see how the world works. You're too precious a gem to even go through this hard work. God made you my companian, to guide me and to lead me to the best I can and should have. You're the only reason why I'm still sane, for I want to make you proud for having a strong woman who truly deserves your energy to run in hers.

Please don't go, not now when I had just started to indulge in your goodness.. I will fall at your feet if you demand so. I swear.

When words ain't just words...

It's difficult when words that escape my lips are language of art. Not many speak or even understand my melody of voice. It's hard when the language I speak is of every art you seek.

The art of understand my mere basic language is that of royalty of trust and dignity. When I speak, my mind engaged into my emotions, seeking the truth from every word I register, scanned and delivered.

I lost track of the truth I speak. I couldnt act up my secret engagement with this world of art. I can't explain this mystery within my soul. It's a code encoded in another. It's almost like solving why "e=mc^2". The logic behind this can only be explained by the creator, and in most cases, only the creator can understand its logic. The rest just followed unable to register the basic of that equation.

My soul screamed for an answer, and another soul came to calm her down. Mate caressed her and said, "This is our life, filled and sealed with mysteries noone else will ever have"

My mind accepted the words of depth, my body surrendered for its real owner to recharge and come back alive, hyper just like before. Mind is twirled as more mysteries came to merge in its mass reunion.

And I am glad I have the strength, the courage and the will to be different and stay different. Unpredictable and open to new ideas. Toned down, but still bright as the sun would shine Earth, yet maintained its darkness so noone will ever know the real self.

This is me, back again to her world of mysteries that has yet to be solved. And I shall go on and speak this language of art, no one except Mate can understand.

I am here, right here, with lips sealed with my own. I indulge in every breath God gave me for He gave me another reason to run and keep running, this race that will have no end till never.

Ken oh Ken

Oh Ken.. It's so sweet of you to make a special effort to make me feel better.. You indeed have a really big heart that you want to share with almost everyone.. Sadly, not everyone appreciates it eh? Oh well..

Hey, when are you gonna pop by and throw me a hug?

Okay.. Now for my latest updates.. Been busy at work.. With a 3yr project in our hands.. I foresee myself claming a min of 3 hours of overtime every other day and going back home late to complete 8000 drawings in a short 6 months period..

For now, I've been toggling between three projects every now and then.. Due to strict confidentiality, I will not mention any project names or its details.

Anyway, overheard CP is not leaving till at least end of year.. or maybe even 3 years.. That's cool..

I was quietly punished for talking a little above the max volume allowed in the office.. Was also once spotted taking a mere 5seconds snooze.. Probation period is near to its end and this has to happened, I just hope nothing of it screws it all..

And I'm such a blur, I still need tight supervision when correcting drawings as I sometimes just don't get what the engineers want.. Haha..

But everything's been good so far.. And oh I hate that one idiot who thinks highly of herself.. And she is so dumb.. She tells all the stupid out of logic topics.. It's just unbelievable.. Since when do I tolerate such people? Oh my oh my...

MA's been busy working... MIBI quitted school.. With some excuses that I can't really register.. The only contact I have with him is through his blog, (which I don't really like, but being a girl, I still read.. hehe)

Hmm.. Mr S proposed me to sing for his band... Ya.. say it to my face... "ME??!! SING??!! Must be kidding...." hahaha.. I couldn't believe it either.. But I kindda like it.. hehe..

My swimming skill is going down down down.. hahaha.. MA had to throw me up to force me trap the water.. Hehe..

I got to go now.. Need to catch with ol friends.. Till later..