Syawal 2016 (1437H)

Assalammu'alaikum family, friends, readers and followers of this blog.

It is a sad Syawal for us this year. At the end of Ramadhan, at the sound of Takbir Raya, I lost all the appetite despite fasting the whole day. I only managed to gulp down my mug of milk tea, and the rest of the food, I couldn't bring myself to eat. I stood up, and saw my mom tearing up.

I sat next to her, and held her arm and instantly tears fell through my eyes down my cheeks. This year is significantly different. The loss is apparent. We have a huge void in us this year. I tried to muster the courage to not cry, my mom no longer on the dining table, my search ended when I saw her on her bed sobbing away, I sat next to her hugged her and cried with her. No words, just tears. I dunno what to say.

My mom mumbling and asked me to leave her alone. I couldnt budge for the next 5-10minutes. When I finally do, I slumbered myself onto the sofa and stared into empty space. I took another glass of water to just gather myself up. The house was silent. Noone said a word, and yet we understood each other too well.. We are all coping, coming to terms with the void.

My dad would have dressed up in his best baju melayu, swiped his favourite minyak atar on his baju and handkerchief and headed to the mosque to recite the takbir. He would have greeted all his friends, and come home with some snacks.. He would remind us to mandi sunat aidilfitri first thing in the morning and would tell my husband what time he will leave home for the mosque tomorrow.

But all these are nothing but memories.. His last Ramadhan and Syawal was last year... We don't have him with us this year. I couldn't even plan my Hari Raya.

The first day, after my husband returned from the mosque, all I could do is get myself dressed, with a heavy heart I went to my in-laws, stayed a few hours, then head right home. Since my eldest sister is home with mom, I told my husband we shall just go my grandma's house with my second sister and head back home right after.

And that was it. That was all we had out on Raya. The rest was just spent being home welcoming guests. Alhamdulillah, many understood why we didnt go out that much this year.

Sometimes I find talk is cheap. It is sooo easy to tell someone "oh, sabar la... redha la dgn permergina si polan.. jgn sedih-sedih... kita yang hidup kena move on..."

It is too easy to say it all. But it is sooo hard having to be the person to move on.

Maybe because I don't have young children on my own, and therefore I am selfish to take all the time there is to mourn. Maybe if I had children, I would have moved on a different way. Maybe I would be out and about 3 days in a row... Who knows?

Me? I don't have any young kids to be guilty if we dont go out and about, so I am selfish. Oh yes I am! It is my dad that is no longer around, not a cousin, not a friend. It is my dad, whom I had lived with for all my life - all 32+ years of my life, okay maybe minus 1-2years of it, but that still counts to 30 years of my life living with him. How can it ever be easy to simply move on? I know, maybe my father wont want me to mourn this long, but I am sure he would understand my deep lost when it was his time to meet Sakaratul Maut and walked with him to meet our Creator. He would understand why it was hard on me, and harder on my mom. He would know.

Leave me alone, and give me all the time to mourn. It is not easy. The next time I know someone who loses her/his dad, it would be a different speech... I wont say a word, but just a hug to just send vibes that I understood the loss.

To all my relatives, I am sorry I didn't seemed to go around visiting. I know those who know me well enough would give me room. And would understand if I didn't stay long enough at any functions.

It is not easy, and I don't know how some people could move on simply within the week to get on going and attend happy events, one after another right after a significant loss. I don't know. All I know is I can't bring myself to enjoy 100% without thinking of my mom.

I shall just end it here before I cry my eyeballs out again.

My Bapak's little girl,
Jun

Wassalam.

Our First Syawal as Husband and Wife

Assalammu'alaikum everyone! Sorry for the delay, I know... It is already 8th Syawal 1434! How time flies eh?
Here is my recap (pls bare this very long entry!)

1st Syawal:
And so this Syawal is the first of our many. Our morning started early, like super early! He made a special request for his ultra sensitive tummy, and so Mom & I (oh well, mom mostly), cooked all our dishes on Syawal morning instead of the usual night before so we can breakfast with the Syawal feast.

We made it. We were up and early doing all the last minute set ups as usual, while the men get off for the Eid prayers. Father went to Darussalam as per usual, while husband headed down to Assyakirin. I prepared the outfits we are going to wear, and clean up (sweep and mop, again!). I dunno where all the dust come, it just would come to stay every day - one day of not sweeping and it felt dusty to the toes.

I had all prep out, so was just helping husband filling up his envelopes. We seeked my parents' forgiveness ahead before anyone comes so I can take the time to get ready. Ummi Yam and family were first to reach my place, Mama H and kids were a lil late but they made it just minutes after my driver called me to say he is waiting downstairs. We took plenty of family potraits. A full strenght of 12! I was very happy that we managed to stay as a family this time round.

I sponsored a van with a driver so we can stick together the whole of 1st Syawal. No getting lost on our way and no waiting time lost. Awesome! I rented out the high roof, fully air-con 13-seater van at $45/hr (min 3 hrs). I booked for 6hrs, ended up using him for almost 7hrs. ;)

It was really nice getting the family together with all smiles and nothing less. And so we covered 6houses, Alhamdulillah.

1st house: Granny's (maternal) / 6th Uncle and family
- My 2nd Uncle and family was there
- My 4th Aunty and family was there

I made the first move, and I felt good. Regardless. Period. I just hope all can be put behind and not raised again. We all ought to learn from mistakes. What do we gain by keeping grudges, building up hatred over time? Nothing. Satan wins, and all of us loses. I rather lose my face and just step forward to seek forgiveness first regardless the age. I hope everyone will continue to confront me when I do mistakes, instead of bickering behind my back. And I hope I am given enough wisdom to do the same for others. Solve at the roots, not at its weak branches. *self note*

2nd house: Granny Hasnah (maternal grandad's sister)/ her daugher(s) and family
-One of my 2nd cousin and family was there as well.

We took down numbers to contact (because we were planning to head up north to visit relatives for the 1st time after decades)
Ate their signature sambal sotong and the men enjoyed the signature TAPAI! Tummy happy!

3rd house: A man of honour (one of mom's granduncle)
- we used to stay here for at least 3 years. This granduncle offered his new place for us to stay in when we were stripped homeless back then. We will forever be grateful to his kindness, especially now when he is sickly, he will always be in our prayers.

4th house: Granny Esah (maternal granny's sister)/her daughter and grandaughter
- One of the aunties just left and we missed them.
We didnt stay too long here.. But mission accomplished.

5th house: Mama H
- all 12 of us hit down to be less formal and just lepak for awhile.

6th house: Ummi Yam
- all 12 of us hit down to be less formal and just lepak for awhile. We invited the driver up to fill his tummy! And because he is around, we managed a full strength family photo! It looked awesome!

Last drop-off: My place
We were dropped off back at my place. Ummi Yam's car was here, so ya. We planned for another full strength family photo but we all forgot about it over food. Haha... The men started being silly and we all had a great family laugh and fun together. Alhamdulillah. May our family expand and fill each other with more love and warmth! Amin!!

2nd Syawal:

We visited both maternal and paternal grandad's grave. Maternal grandad's grave will be exumed and moved to the new site on 21st, so we decide to visit before then. Alhamdulillah, we managed to sedekah Al-fateha and recite Yassin for them both (we always do after our fardhu's when time permits)

And then, I got really sick, and ended up sleeping most of the day, Paternal aunt came by, husband served them most of the time, I could only afford to give orders.

That night, we packed. Our plans have been made! We are heading down to husband's hometown in Muar, then up north to KL! MasyaAllah... I was excited!

In that excitement, I packed 3 bags full. Don't ask! 20% of what was packed wasnt used at end of trip. pfft.

3rd Syawal:

We made our way as early as 7am! we reached Muar, Johor around 1ish - I think.

We stayed at Mok Teh's house for awhile before heading out to Mom's foster brother's house. Both brothers tried calling the others to get them to come to catch us through our stay, they showed us some photos too, and it made mom recall all the fond memories.

We made it back to Mok Teh's house to rest and wait for the rest of his family to reach, but just before that, Mom's foster's brother called, another brother had made it home with his family and asked us to make it back there to catch up, and so we did..

Not too long after we were deep in the conversations, another brother made it back. It felt so warm to have such relations. They went on and on recalling fond memories. One of the brother described how he tried to teach my mom how to cycle. It failed, and mom never knew how to cycle till date. Haha! We all chatted like we were never apart! So friendly and warm! And I miss them already.

We headed back to Mok Teh's place, and decided to stay over at Mak Long Lama's house just down the street.

4th Syawal:

We got up early again. Getting ready to hit up north. We waited for breakfast and made it out at 9.30ish.

The trip up north was super long! We made it to Obek Sujud (father's cousin) 's house sometime after 2pm. We didnt rest much and headed down to mom's cousin's place (total of 3houses). Such a long day, and husband got grumpy - who would dare blame him? No rest since the night before, and made to drive over such long hours! We made it back to Obek Sujud's house at 6ish to rest till the next day before we head home.

Then, there is this girl (Obek Sujud's granddaughter). She is pretty much like my husband's long lost daughter. They both had the same attitude and friendly aura! They couldnt stop talking and entertaining us. Haha! I miss that girl!

5th Syawal:
We head off from Obek Sujud's house at 9.30am. midway at Air Keroh Jejatas R&R, we decided to drop by my 2nd cousin's place at Enau, JB. And so we did.

We headed down for dinner at Ayer Rajah Food Court, and finally made it home at 7ish in the evening! My oh my..

6th-8th Syawal:
Back to reality, back to work... we are still tired from the weekend trip, really.

And so here I wish everyone Selamat Hari Raya, Maaf Zahir dan Batin. Forgive all my wrongdoings, my typos, my past rantings, and everything bad... Pls continue to confront me when I do wrong, so I can correct them, so I can seek forgiveness before hatred can be build within. Thank you.

PS: FIL is due for his eye surgery next week, pls spare him 2seconds, pray for a smooth operation and may he spring back to health soonest.. :)

That is all I have for now. Till we meet again,

Wassalam,
Jun