Assalammu'alaikum family, friends, readers and followers of this blog.
It is a sad Syawal for us this year. At the end of Ramadhan, at the sound of Takbir Raya, I lost all the appetite despite fasting the whole day. I only managed to gulp down my mug of milk tea, and the rest of the food, I couldn't bring myself to eat. I stood up, and saw my mom tearing up.
I sat next to her, and held her arm and instantly tears fell through my eyes down my cheeks. This year is significantly different. The loss is apparent. We have a huge void in us this year. I tried to muster the courage to not cry, my mom no longer on the dining table, my search ended when I saw her on her bed sobbing away, I sat next to her hugged her and cried with her. No words, just tears. I dunno what to say.
My mom mumbling and asked me to leave her alone. I couldnt budge for the next 5-10minutes. When I finally do, I slumbered myself onto the sofa and stared into empty space. I took another glass of water to just gather myself up. The house was silent. Noone said a word, and yet we understood each other too well.. We are all coping, coming to terms with the void.
My dad would have dressed up in his best baju melayu, swiped his favourite minyak atar on his baju and handkerchief and headed to the mosque to recite the takbir. He would have greeted all his friends, and come home with some snacks.. He would remind us to mandi sunat aidilfitri first thing in the morning and would tell my husband what time he will leave home for the mosque tomorrow.
But all these are nothing but memories.. His last Ramadhan and Syawal was last year... We don't have him with us this year. I couldn't even plan my Hari Raya.
The first day, after my husband returned from the mosque, all I could do is get myself dressed, with a heavy heart I went to my in-laws, stayed a few hours, then head right home. Since my eldest sister is home with mom, I told my husband we shall just go my grandma's house with my second sister and head back home right after.
And that was it. That was all we had out on Raya. The rest was just spent being home welcoming guests. Alhamdulillah, many understood why we didnt go out that much this year.
Sometimes I find talk is cheap. It is sooo easy to tell someone "oh, sabar la... redha la dgn permergina si polan.. jgn sedih-sedih... kita yang hidup kena move on..."
It is too easy to say it all. But it is sooo hard having to be the person to move on.
Maybe because I don't have young children on my own, and therefore I am selfish to take all the time there is to mourn. Maybe if I had children, I would have moved on a different way. Maybe I would be out and about 3 days in a row... Who knows?
Me? I don't have any young kids to be guilty if we dont go out and about, so I am selfish. Oh yes I am! It is my dad that is no longer around, not a cousin, not a friend. It is my dad, whom I had lived with for all my life - all 32+ years of my life, okay maybe minus 1-2years of it, but that still counts to 30 years of my life living with him. How can it ever be easy to simply move on? I know, maybe my father wont want me to mourn this long, but I am sure he would understand my deep lost when it was his time to meet Sakaratul Maut and walked with him to meet our Creator. He would understand why it was hard on me, and harder on my mom. He would know.
Leave me alone, and give me all the time to mourn. It is not easy. The next time I know someone who loses her/his dad, it would be a different speech... I wont say a word, but just a hug to just send vibes that I understood the loss.
To all my relatives, I am sorry I didn't seemed to go around visiting. I know those who know me well enough would give me room. And would understand if I didn't stay long enough at any functions.
It is not easy, and I don't know how some people could move on simply within the week to get on going and attend happy events, one after another right after a significant loss. I don't know. All I know is I can't bring myself to enjoy 100% without thinking of my mom.
I shall just end it here before I cry my eyeballs out again.
My Bapak's little girl,
Jun
Wassalam.
Showing posts with label Bapak. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bapak. Show all posts
Monday, July 11, 2016
Friday, May 27, 2016
It has been 3 weeks...
Assalammu'alaikum family, friends, readers and followers of this blog.
I know and well aware that I've been blogging reviews after reviews.. So now, time for another personal update of my personal emotions, opinions and random rantings...
More like an entry to just help me let go... It has been 3 weeks since my dad met Our Creator.. MasyaAllah, I am and will forever be grateful with all the help that has been rendered to us to help us grieve, and for understanding our slow progress in taking this in..
A few days ago, mom broke down when she closed her door and saw dad's trousers.. still untouched.. She wanted me to clear, but I too was reluctant - I don't want to break down in front of her. So I suggested leaving it till 40days at least. I guess a part of me just want a part of dad to still be part of this house. I still refuse to mention Late Dad, or Arwah when speaking. He is and will always be in our heart, so I never felt the need to emphasize that he is no longer.
Losing a dad doesnt seemed as easy as it looks. To date I have spoken to a few friends who had lost their dads. Equally, we still feel lost. Some 4 years, 2years, and a few others still under 1year. If they took years, then I guess we are okay.. We are normal to still grieve and mourn of our great loss.
My Bapak is a great man. We (Siblings and I) inherit some of his character. His temper, his silence, his cool, his strength, his humour. We inherit it all in bits and pieces. I still hear his voice everytime I hear the prayer call. His very annoying (when he was alive) reminder for me to pray on time, now seemed so soothing. My brother inherit his looks, except he is too skinny to resemble Dad. If he gained a little weight, we would probably make him come everyday to just hug him like he is Dad.
His great personality and character shows when he departed, a lot of our relatives came rushing to our home to see him one last time, to console us, my cousins calling me to guide me through the process, and rushing over to help with what he can. My maternal village came down to be with my mom, to give her support. His friends coming over to say a few good words to us, to remind us to be strong for our mom. Our neighbour immediately handed all the help they can render with space and food (if we need them). I am blessed, yes, we are blessed.
In that spur of panic moment, it turned solemn, quiet with murmurs of our prayer recitals, and cries from my mom, we realized, we are all we have. We need to stay united. We need each other to be strong for one another. If we are not the ones to be there, then who else? We don't only need the village to raise a child, we need the village for everything.
Everything we planned was put on hold. There are moments of regrets that we each hold... But there was no point to regret. I just hope we will be with our Mom stronger, and more united together hereon. I hope there will be more frequent visits. I hope there will be less of dismissal when she reminds us of something, when she speaks, I want us to listen, and to fulfill where possible. I am still in the grieving moments, yes, I blog about my reno progress because it was drafted for and it was promised. In reality, I have no real mood to talk about happy things..
When people ask "So how are you? How is your mom?" I kindda of not know what to answer, We are not okay.. But i answered Okay anyway. I guess people wont understand until they experience the loss themselves. I feel guilty sometimes to think that noone would understand, and someone did just that, she simply said "Losing a dad is not the same as losing a mom"
It hurts, but it is true I guess... And losing a dad is not the same as losing a husband. That made me look at my husband and wondered if he forgives me and loves me everyday. The what ifs..
It has been 3 weeks without my dad bugging me with how he had been without a nap and coffee.. It has been 3 weeks without my dad bugging me to pray on time.. It has been 3 weeks without my dad's smile when I returned from work. It has been 3 weeks since I asked my dad what he has done for the day. Yet it felt like just yesterday, me and him talking and laughing about things, it felt like just yesterday that I scolded him for being stubborn. As much as it felt like yesterday, it felt like forever since I kissed and hugged him. I miss you Bapak. So much it hurts.
We spoke about death many times, but it never prepared me. Bapak, I will take care of Mak.. As well as I can. We will not take what is hers. We will not fight over it, for I know whatever you have left behind, is for Mak to live without burdening anyone else. It is your nafkah. I know, Bapak. And I will try to put it nicely and politely should anyone raise the issue.
Your grandchildren has been accompanying Mak, while I am busy at work, and when I had to run errands for my new house. Bapak, I am glad you made some memories with me in my new house. I shall not brood over things you didnt get to do for me in my new house. I will try not to.
Everyday, I hope all your sins are forgiven, that your grave will be given light and space, and that you will be amongst the pious and righteous. I hope you get to meet our Rasullullah. And I hope we will be reunited one day.
Ameen.
Sehingga kita bertemu lagi, Bapak.
Wassalam,
Anakmu Jun
More like an entry to just help me let go... It has been 3 weeks since my dad met Our Creator.. MasyaAllah, I am and will forever be grateful with all the help that has been rendered to us to help us grieve, and for understanding our slow progress in taking this in..
A few days ago, mom broke down when she closed her door and saw dad's trousers.. still untouched.. She wanted me to clear, but I too was reluctant - I don't want to break down in front of her. So I suggested leaving it till 40days at least. I guess a part of me just want a part of dad to still be part of this house. I still refuse to mention Late Dad, or Arwah when speaking. He is and will always be in our heart, so I never felt the need to emphasize that he is no longer.
Losing a dad doesnt seemed as easy as it looks. To date I have spoken to a few friends who had lost their dads. Equally, we still feel lost. Some 4 years, 2years, and a few others still under 1year. If they took years, then I guess we are okay.. We are normal to still grieve and mourn of our great loss.
My Bapak is a great man. We (Siblings and I) inherit some of his character. His temper, his silence, his cool, his strength, his humour. We inherit it all in bits and pieces. I still hear his voice everytime I hear the prayer call. His very annoying (when he was alive) reminder for me to pray on time, now seemed so soothing. My brother inherit his looks, except he is too skinny to resemble Dad. If he gained a little weight, we would probably make him come everyday to just hug him like he is Dad.
His great personality and character shows when he departed, a lot of our relatives came rushing to our home to see him one last time, to console us, my cousins calling me to guide me through the process, and rushing over to help with what he can. My maternal village came down to be with my mom, to give her support. His friends coming over to say a few good words to us, to remind us to be strong for our mom. Our neighbour immediately handed all the help they can render with space and food (if we need them). I am blessed, yes, we are blessed.
In that spur of panic moment, it turned solemn, quiet with murmurs of our prayer recitals, and cries from my mom, we realized, we are all we have. We need to stay united. We need each other to be strong for one another. If we are not the ones to be there, then who else? We don't only need the village to raise a child, we need the village for everything.
Everything we planned was put on hold. There are moments of regrets that we each hold... But there was no point to regret. I just hope we will be with our Mom stronger, and more united together hereon. I hope there will be more frequent visits. I hope there will be less of dismissal when she reminds us of something, when she speaks, I want us to listen, and to fulfill where possible. I am still in the grieving moments, yes, I blog about my reno progress because it was drafted for and it was promised. In reality, I have no real mood to talk about happy things..
When people ask "So how are you? How is your mom?" I kindda of not know what to answer, We are not okay.. But i answered Okay anyway. I guess people wont understand until they experience the loss themselves. I feel guilty sometimes to think that noone would understand, and someone did just that, she simply said "Losing a dad is not the same as losing a mom"
It hurts, but it is true I guess... And losing a dad is not the same as losing a husband. That made me look at my husband and wondered if he forgives me and loves me everyday. The what ifs..
It has been 3 weeks without my dad bugging me with how he had been without a nap and coffee.. It has been 3 weeks without my dad bugging me to pray on time.. It has been 3 weeks without my dad's smile when I returned from work. It has been 3 weeks since I asked my dad what he has done for the day. Yet it felt like just yesterday, me and him talking and laughing about things, it felt like just yesterday that I scolded him for being stubborn. As much as it felt like yesterday, it felt like forever since I kissed and hugged him. I miss you Bapak. So much it hurts.
We spoke about death many times, but it never prepared me. Bapak, I will take care of Mak.. As well as I can. We will not take what is hers. We will not fight over it, for I know whatever you have left behind, is for Mak to live without burdening anyone else. It is your nafkah. I know, Bapak. And I will try to put it nicely and politely should anyone raise the issue.
Your grandchildren has been accompanying Mak, while I am busy at work, and when I had to run errands for my new house. Bapak, I am glad you made some memories with me in my new house. I shall not brood over things you didnt get to do for me in my new house. I will try not to.
Everyday, I hope all your sins are forgiven, that your grave will be given light and space, and that you will be amongst the pious and righteous. I hope you get to meet our Rasullullah. And I hope we will be reunited one day.
Ameen.
Sehingga kita bertemu lagi, Bapak.
Wassalam,
Anakmu Jun
Monday, May 23, 2016
When my father met our Creator.....
Assalammu'alaikum family, friends, readers and followers of this blog.
This will be emotional. This entry is about my loss.... One of my bestest man in my life ever.. We talked about death, but I never knew it would be this hard... this sad.. and this lonely...
6th May 2016
Approx 4.38pm, I received a few missed calls and a few texts from my husbands that read:
"CALL ME!!" , "Your dad is not breathing"
It didn't register in my mind, I called him back but the line was busy, I called my second sister, and asked her what I should do, and with her crying, all she could mumble was "Go home, what else?"
Next call from my husband, all he said was "COME HOME NOW"
It was when I was trying to grab a cab that it registered, in disbelief and tears.. cab by cab rejected my flag, and finally one cabby stopped, i cried my eyeballs in the cab, and then figured I had to be strong, for my mom, wiped my tears, breath in deep and run to the door.
There.. my husband reciting the Yassin weeping, in the room, my mom weeping, and I... the knees couldnt hold it anymore, I fell on my knees, and held his cold hands, I couldnt cry anymore.. I couldnt do anything. I don't know what to do... I was lost.
Soon after my second sister arrive.. And soon the whole family.
My cousin called to advice me on what I should do. Call the Muslim Casket, get their doctor to certify, call all family members.. It was heartbreaking to be announcing this news to so many people.. All of whom were equally shocked.
My dad only had Dementia.. He showed no signs.. He went at peace... At least that we know... For the next 11 days, people keep streaming in to send their condolences..
I took the full 3days compassionate leave and used my annual leave to spend the week accompanying my mom. I couldnt thank my boss enough for understanding my plight.
My father last words to me... "Solat la Jun, da pukul brapa ni... wajib tau sembayang"
That morning he asked if I will be fetching Baby M, and that was it..
Life is short.. Please do give your elders a hug whilst you can...
Bapak,
I miss you..
You are so blessed,
to go on Friday,
Just a day after Isra' Mi'raj...
In the month you were born...
Bapak..
Now all I can do is to do what you told me to do,
To care about my 5 solats a day....
To make it my priority,
To care for mom...
Bapak..
When we went to your grave last weekend,
You have us all a gust of wind and a moment of cool shade...
I knew you were around us, waiting for us right then..
And I knew we will make it a family routine...
Bapak...
Jun hanya boleh doakan agar segala dosa-dosa Bapak dimaafkan,
Kubur Bapak diperluaskan, and Bapak ditempatkan di golongan orang-orang yang beriman lagi soleh.
Bapak... maafkan lah segala dosa-dosa Jun terhadap Bapak dan segala kekurangan Jun dikala Jun menjaga Bapak...
Bapak...
I miss your endless reminders to solat,
I miss your naughty repeat telecasts,
I miss your "hati-hati Jun" when I leave for work,
I miss everything you, Bapak...
I wish I had done better,
I wish I am a better daughter,
I wish you have a chance to see my children,
I wish I can do everything for you..
But what is left of now is that,
I become a solehah daughter who prays 5 times a day,
And prays for you so you will be eased with Allah's permission...
This is all I can do for now, Bapak...
I love you, and no words do justice...
To those who wish to visit him, Bapak now resides at N-1-10 Plot 5189
Akan ku rajinkan diri utk sedekahkan Al-Fateha kepada Bapakku, Hj Masnollah Bin Hj Rejab (Hj Mohd Yusof Bin Idrus as per NRIC)
Semoga roh Bapak dicucuri Rahmat... Kami redha dgn permergian Bapak..
Anakmu,
Jun
Wassalam
6th May 2016
Approx 4.38pm, I received a few missed calls and a few texts from my husbands that read:
"CALL ME!!" , "Your dad is not breathing"
It didn't register in my mind, I called him back but the line was busy, I called my second sister, and asked her what I should do, and with her crying, all she could mumble was "Go home, what else?"
Next call from my husband, all he said was "COME HOME NOW"
It was when I was trying to grab a cab that it registered, in disbelief and tears.. cab by cab rejected my flag, and finally one cabby stopped, i cried my eyeballs in the cab, and then figured I had to be strong, for my mom, wiped my tears, breath in deep and run to the door.
There.. my husband reciting the Yassin weeping, in the room, my mom weeping, and I... the knees couldnt hold it anymore, I fell on my knees, and held his cold hands, I couldnt cry anymore.. I couldnt do anything. I don't know what to do... I was lost.
Soon after my second sister arrive.. And soon the whole family.
My cousin called to advice me on what I should do. Call the Muslim Casket, get their doctor to certify, call all family members.. It was heartbreaking to be announcing this news to so many people.. All of whom were equally shocked.
My dad only had Dementia.. He showed no signs.. He went at peace... At least that we know... For the next 11 days, people keep streaming in to send their condolences..
I took the full 3days compassionate leave and used my annual leave to spend the week accompanying my mom. I couldnt thank my boss enough for understanding my plight.
My father last words to me... "Solat la Jun, da pukul brapa ni... wajib tau sembayang"
That morning he asked if I will be fetching Baby M, and that was it..
Life is short.. Please do give your elders a hug whilst you can...
I miss you..
You are so blessed,
to go on Friday,
Just a day after Isra' Mi'raj...
In the month you were born...
Bapak..
Now all I can do is to do what you told me to do,
To care about my 5 solats a day....
To make it my priority,
To care for mom...
Bapak..
When we went to your grave last weekend,
You have us all a gust of wind and a moment of cool shade...
I knew you were around us, waiting for us right then..
And I knew we will make it a family routine...
Bapak...
Jun hanya boleh doakan agar segala dosa-dosa Bapak dimaafkan,
Kubur Bapak diperluaskan, and Bapak ditempatkan di golongan orang-orang yang beriman lagi soleh.
Bapak... maafkan lah segala dosa-dosa Jun terhadap Bapak dan segala kekurangan Jun dikala Jun menjaga Bapak...
Bapak...
I miss your endless reminders to solat,
I miss your naughty repeat telecasts,
I miss your "hati-hati Jun" when I leave for work,
I miss everything you, Bapak...
I wish I had done better,
I wish I am a better daughter,
I wish you have a chance to see my children,
I wish I can do everything for you..
But what is left of now is that,
I become a solehah daughter who prays 5 times a day,
And prays for you so you will be eased with Allah's permission...
This is all I can do for now, Bapak...
I love you, and no words do justice...
To those who wish to visit him, Bapak now resides at N-1-10 Plot 5189
Akan ku rajinkan diri utk sedekahkan Al-Fateha kepada Bapakku, Hj Masnollah Bin Hj Rejab (Hj Mohd Yusof Bin Idrus as per NRIC)
Anakmu,
Jun
Wassalam
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