Plans we can only have..

Assalamm'alaikum family, friends, readers and followers.

I got a little emotional and did a reflection earlier...

You know, sometimes Allah SWT has our life planned in mysterious ways.. We can only plan, and plans are all we have. HE decides and will carve our lifes as to what we deserve, and can handle at any one time.

I mean my husband and I thought we are all ready of a little junior to come. So we did not hesitate to try right away, and now.. 19months after, still haven't conceived. Many concerned (or overly concerned) relatives, asked if we are planning, and asked why we haven't conceived, asking us not to wait too long.

Yeah, they are concerned. But it hurts. It hurts when we both know we are not stopping ourselves from conceiving. We are trying, and we are trying soo hard. It drains us to come up with answers ourselves, what more to answer to you. And so I came up with one which managed to shut these concerned people around me.

Conversation:

A: So.. any good news?

Me: Hmm.. ya. I am still breathing and alive, good news, right?

A: No i mean, got already anot? (while eyeing my stomach)

Me: Oh.. well, I've placed my order, but it's out of stock, so waiting for the next shipment la.

A: Wah, ppl ask nicely... why must answer like that?

Me: Well, conceiving is not like plucking an apply from the tree you know. We are trying and we are trying endlessly. If Allah SWT says it is not due yet, then what am I suppose to do? Can you just please... just please pray for us, and stop asking us these question.  Pray that we will conceive one day, and pray that if we didn't or if we couldn't, we would find strength and solace to remain together as an Ummah.

A: urgh.. (mumbles)

I had to walk away to avoid the awkward silence.

Now... the story about Baby M and her family is pretty much mysterious too.

It was a scene such that Baby M's mom and me lost touched for many years, maybe amounting to some 4 years or so. She invited me to an event and so I chatted a lot with her about what theme it is, what occasion it is, and how grand it sounded, and that it was a pleasure to know she is a mom already... At that point, to be honest, I even forgot her name! And doesnt help when her FB name is not her name - I knew it wasn't but just couldnt recall her name at that point of time.

Now, imagine if I didnt accept the invite, i mean it is far away, abt an hr journey, and we havent met and spoke for the last 4 yrs. It kindda make sense to miss it for some movie date with the husband. But instead, we made it down, I was made to make a lil wish for Baby M even!

Then we kept in touch after the event, somehow... through FB chats, and WAs... we kindda got closer virtually, we connected more that just being friends somehow, she felt like a sister to me. Then that one text came, and I consoled the best I could. I took the offer to care for her baby, and now.. it is the 8th weekend with our Baby M. Imagine if I didn't come down, because it was far away, and it was someone whom I barely know and contacted. Imagine if I didn't continue to chat with her... I wouldn't have gotten this chance to care for Baby M.

Then I would just be a wife. Then the house would be quiet all weekends, with us lazing around, or just aimlessly go our for a walk.. Then we would all be so ignorant and naive to all the baby brands out there. Then we won't bother finding out the best food, the best toys, the best of everything baby. Then maybe we won't know how it is to have a baby as a family, then I wont know how my husband would react to baby poo, baby crying, baby food mess, and all those lil "oh watch out!" moments.

Oh baby... You are so little, and yet you took up all the space there is in our home and heart.

And now, Baby M's mother and I were indeed closer that just friends. We became sisters. We shared everything there is to share. We discussed all topics, agree and disagree, give and receive feedbacks. She is the first outsider who can call me stupid in the face and I'd hug her for that. Before, it was just my biological sisters who can do that. I'd have gotten angry if anyone else does it, but not for her.

And I thank Allah SWT, alhamdulillah ya Rabb. Thank you for giving us (as a family) a chance to have a taste of what it is like. I realised that we may not be entirely ready for it. InsyaAllah, when you deem us to be ready, we will be ready with your will only, and we will be caring our little amanah with greater faith, insyaAllah.

Ameen...

With lots of hopes and smiles, and enthusiasm to grab little Baby M later,
Baby M's Mak