And now it is clearer why...

Assalammu'alaikum family, friends, followers and readers of my blog.

We had an episode of what seemed like a tough cookie to crack. Well, my friend got an offer to take over a shop, a dream she couldnt resist - I'd grab it if I were her too!

So we cracked our heads as to where Baby M goes on weekdays, my heart ache knowingly my mom wouldn't be all confident in handling Baby M alone no matter how much she wants to. So we thought about infant care. Then the horror comes to light. Urgh, the "mother-mother" feeling of worry comes flooding in our minds.

Now it became clearer why my junior hasn't arrive yet, right? If I were to have a junior right now, what happens to me? What happens to us? Our income? Our stability? I had to quit my job if I have a junior, I am not one of those tough mom to put my child in infant care or get a helper. I am not, I have trust issues, and so does my mom (well she just hates strangers helping out).

I did my calculation, I can only afford to have my baby when our home is ready, then I can stay home care for my baby (or babies) for the next 7years (to a max of 9years) before having to resume to work so I can contribute paying for the house via cpf again. Ya. My huge amt of CPF can only sustain me for less than a decade of home payment. Urgh, the very thought.. I have to work another 17yrs before I can stay home with a fully paid home. Everything else we can compromise, but not a roof over our head.

Till date, we haven't found the perfect solution yet for Baby M. Infant care seeemed like the only option at the moment, only if it is near my place so my mom can fetch and look over for an hr max before I get home (if I ever need to stay late in the office).

I can't seem to come to terms with infant care, neither could I let anyone else care for her. And I am not her biological mom, and still fuss so much. So I am pretty sure my friend is pulling her hair right now thinking about it.

I think I would break down and just cry, to think I am tough and strong... nah.. I am a not, eh? Just another weakling..

Baby M, would you give both your Mak and Mama some strength to have faith in you, your immune system and that infant care is okay for you? Give us a sign maybe?

Mak wanna just cry la! Orang cakap senang je dulu, amik je terus anak ni, now siapa nak jaga bila aku keje! Korang cakap senang la.. Part gini semua buat hal masing2.

So next time cakap tu beralas pls. Ingat aku tk nak ke? But fikir la, sapa nak jaga? Kau?

Wassalam,
The worried and upset Mak.