Thanks...

Thanks, but no thanks.

I am still waiting for that list of events and what not so we can sit and talk about it together...

Until then, enjoy your freedom and space.

And so they asked.....

Sometimes I dragged attending family functions simply because I hate being asked the million dollar question... I also hated the way they asked me to gain weight like as if I didn't try....

The worst, was to be asked the irritating question like "So when u getting married? Got boyfriend?" Or having myself to play with little tots, and being asked "So, when's ur turn? Faster la... You not getting any younger..."

Haiz... One of aunt even asked why my boyfriend didnt tag along... I'd imagine my boyfriend being bombarded with those irritating questions if he were to tag along... And so i just simply answered that we are both not ready yet..

And I hate it when someone starts the "wah, so slim.... eat some more la gain some weight..." I got so irritated I ended up going for a 3rd round... And now I'm way too full... And so I went topless on my bed because i felt so restrained.. How obscene... I know...

Sometimes I hate the questions not because I dun have the answers, but because it made me ponder, and made me impatient to just settle down like as if it's just as easy as said...

And so I wondered when the time will finally come... I am fainting... So full.. so heavy... so sleepy... Geesh...

A new day begins today....

Hmmm... Where shall I start...

Yesterday seemed to be one of those days where all feelings got mixed up..

It starts off when the King took my prepaid spare phone off where I left it. He went through my messages, which was fine... I have nothing to hide afterall... Then a simple good morning greeting to a male friend became an issue.. Well I accepted that I was wrong not to tell him who he is, or to claim that I never texted him... But I knew I hadn't contacted him when the King asked about it..

Anyways, whilst I was angry he didnt trust me and went through my smses, I liked the fact that he was jealous about it... Then again, I dun find anything to be angry about coz it was just a greeting and what follows are just my stressful episode of letting things out, which I dun remember what I was rambling about except it was about my work...

At the end of the day, he's still forgiven.. I just hope he now know how I felt when he does text and contact other girls behind my back.. One side of me knew he didn't do those... But another side find it impossible to believe he's really that well behaved. And if he really is that well behaved, that I suppose I've got myself a really great man to be with.

As I was lying on bed tired after a days' work last night, he texted me... And I kindda start to grin so much that I dreamt of him hugging me all night... I knew then that I've started to fall so much by loving him way too much that it just hurts to even think of a break-up... I knew it was rather too much to have him all to myself and noone else... And that's just way too much.. And I had to say.. He's really too much and I can't get enough of him.. I know it makes no sense at all.. But that's what I feel right now..

Too much of anything is no good, I reminded myself. But I just can't help but keep falling... I can't seem to learn and recall the past bruises and scars that was left behind.. And I knew now, that I'd really be devastated if he's not meant to be mine... I can only think of destruction if that news is out.. I can only think of riding right into a trailer if that happens.. I knew it sounds stupid.. But it just hurts too much to think about the possibilities ahead...

Oh, have I mentioned about my new job? I am doing something new, new industry, new people, new responsibilities.. I enjoyed my job, but I have those stress outbreak (so much of doing nothing for over 2months) and I'll text whoever name I see in my phonelist, so if i do text ya, u can always choose to ignore.. Coz i'm just letting it out to relief myself...

Ok.. Back to my King.. Ha! Seemed like I'm always talking about him these days... Sometimes, I find him way too sweet and sometimes I find him an irritant that can really bring dark clouds over my head... But overall I knew I can never find another just like him. I just wish and pray so hard so we'd last till the end... I never ever wanna let you go, my King... Never...

If you want me to leave, I shall...
In sadness, or in fear...
I know I will if you want me to...
I'll never have to look back
because you want me to...

If you ever stop loving me,
I just hope you wont hate me,
And forgive me my Lord,
if I couldnt bring any courage,
To meet you ever again thereafter..

Love Indeed...

Another future talk sessions of the what-ifs with the king that rule my heart...

Another heavy burden lightened, and yet another dark cloud over my head...

The dreading what-ifs finally surfaced.... So what if we dun end up together, he asked...

I'd disappear, run away and be far away from you, i answered.

Too many heartaches, and break-ups I have bore... One more would kill me, I added. Past experiences told me I won't be able to stand and remain as strong as I always had before. I would break down, go crazy and kill myself if I were to bump into him knowing he's no longer mine to touch. And so I told him I might consider migrating if I really can't be with him.... and I'm serious, I said...

It felt great to see him endlessly typing Nooo.. Coz I then knew I meant a lot to him now and more than before.. I knew then that he love me more than ever before... And to hear him say he'd try to make things work makes me grin and smile coz i then knew he wants it as much as I do...

But i knew i cant afford to set too much hope... And so I'd assume his parents are not gonna like me and would refrain him from being in touch with me... And so I'd assume I'll never get to be with him to save myself from an already broken situation..

And for me to stand true and still staying put with him tells that I've fallen too deep into this love trap.. But I also knew that it's gonna be a huge leap at the end regardless of the outcome...

I wished my history wont be repeated, because I dunno how to prepare myself if it did.. To fail and to lose... To be broken and scarred... To be in despair and alone...

Tell me soulmate, How could you?

Updates~~

Yeay... after so long... I finally found the time and place to post some updates about myself...

Well.. I'm still jobless... And i'm tired of being jobless already... Hope something come by soon...

Hmmm... Love life... I start to be so in love with my boyfriend... I started to see his good side (amazingly), and he start to make time for me by calling, msn and sms-ing me (which is super nice), we started to share stories, we started to laugh a lot together, he started to be okay with me dropping by even for awhile to meet him, and he even joined me for a short while at TT when i was with my gfs ( i find that to be so sweet of him), and lastly... a warm hug and kisses from him in front of my friends... Hee... I mean it's not often that I get to indulge in these.. So I'm so enjoying it... I truly hope this will last...

Oh we even spoke about the what ifs in near future... I find that to be the most touching part actually... Oh well....

I guess this entry is gonna be like, i'm so falling in love again kindda entry.... I just gotta say that I have came to realise how much he means to me, and how much I had grown attached and loved by him... *Winks*


A picture of us back in December last year... My hair have indeed grown.. 2nd May marks our 6 months of being officially together.. And indeed we've gone through lots of downs and I just hope the ups will keep coming....

PS: Can't believe I'm being so emotionally romantic... Geesh