Queer Self Discovery

Why are men always like how they are?

I can never understand why Man A can be just what I needed a man to be but not want him at all and have Man B to be the man I want but can never be the man I want him to be....

Strange.. I know... Trying to figure this out for eons myself...

Why? Is this just being human?

Sickly Week

It's been very sickly this week.. I got myself totally stressed out on Tuesday and what do I get? A really sick Wednesday in the office, constipating, coughing, dizzy-ing around..

Been thinking a lot about how to make up some extra cash to cover my growing bills and expences. Doesnt help with people owing me and not automatically pay up when the time comes. I hate to call up and ask them to pay me back, because I totally know it sucks to be reminded that there's so much debt around.

I don't even have enough for myself and yet I kept trying to help others.. Look at me.. I am thinking so hard to settle my stuff but it feels good that I now have someone to talk about my problems and get feedbacks, reminders and to know that I'm loved.. But still, sometimes, these problems seemed to put some contraints on my relationship.. And this fact sometimes scare me..

Now, I dunno how to ask Bro I to return what he owes and promise me.. Should I propose him to pay through daily installments? Or should I just demand him to pay.. Would doing the latter cost me some respect? How? How? How?

What should I do? What should I say? How do I say it? I am stressed and my body is yelling for a break...

Oh lord, clear my thoughts and calm my mind... Shine me some light in this darkness and help them see my situation like how you helped me see their situation...

Another episode of SuperJ

Weee~~~

Sorry for no updating in time. But I've been busy, and still am busy (I'm stealing some time from the office) All the running at work, school and the after work/school hours.. Geesh... Makes me feel like I'm some superwoman of some kind...

I've been tied down to a lot of commitments week in, week out. Mondays are usually my no-schedule-after-work days which only equates to a much needed rest. Tuesdays and Fridays are work-then-school days. Wednesdays and some Thursdays are work-then-school-meeting days, a day dedicated for meetings for this term's modules. The rest of the Thursdays are usually my BBDC day, a day dedicated to do my bike theories (only starting this week hopefully), before that it was my KI day, would drop by TC to see him. Saturdays are Home Day, a day dedicated to stay home, clean up my room, and spend time with my mom. Sundays are Takraw Day, a day dedicated to watch my dose of Takraw games with KI, video recording each game so KI can watch with his team mates to identify mistakes/good techniques and improve/work on them.

Oh oh.. About me and KI.. Wee~~ Listen up... We got ourselves a couple ring last Sunday.. Very sweet, very awww... Kindda cool.. And after that I kindda talk to him about my emotions and what I feel and all that sort. Kindda tear a bit.. you know the emotions stir up moments.. He just look straight in my eye, and wipe my tears away...

And and.. he's just becoming more and more sweet.. and taking more note of me.. So sweet.. yes.. it's sweet.. And I really hope it stays this way.. because if it gets bitter, I might throw up and would probably die of love poisoning..

And you know what? I better get my mind back to work.. ;p

I heard what you say, indeed I agree.. I'm going insane, and I'm totally crazy.. Then I wonder are all that was typed just an illusion that I create? Or is it real? Hmm.... I'm not entirely sure but I shall put some thought on it... Care to help?

It been 3 months since....

I first spoke to KI. And it seems so good so far.. there're indeed a few distractions from my past acquantances.. I never guessed this would really be different.. I mean, all this while, before I knew him, every guy I meet is just another guy. I never really cared for any of them, and couldnt care any less if they decide to leave. And I never did spare a thought if I need to leave them.

But this, this is different. It's something new, and I wanted to be a better person on my own. Since our first small argument, I suddenly felt a change in myself, I wanted to change my ways... And I am not forced to. I just felt that it's good for me. And him, he stopped doing what I don't like him doing.

Indeed, I fell in love again.. But still I couldn't define what true love means... Strange as it is, I really want and prayed hard for this to work, I dunno... Maybe I am desperate to have a life partner whom I can rely on. I told Fadz that I wouldn't mind having a house-husband. He raised an interesting question, would he mind? I mean men being men.. I'm sure they would feel inferior if a woman support them. I am sure most men would rather they earn the big bucks and let the wife do what she does best.

Maybe I should ask him.. but then again, isn't it too early for such conversation? Oh well... I am once again left in a fit.. Hmm.. Let time tell..

I shall sleep and dream of the future ahead...

Another chance to make do

Yes, finally spoke to him in person.. After some attempts to make do my mistakes...

I was oversensitive. Cried most of the conversation. Didnt know this mean so much to me...

Yes, we finally walk away from the spot to realise that we love each other too much to just give it up over something so petty.

Apologies exchanged, and starting anew.. Not to repeat what has happened..

Can I achieve it? Will I successfully remind myself not to be over the limits, and to always talk things out instead of keeping it inside? Will I be able to handle it in a better way? Will he still be there for me?

I closed my eyes, and I somewhat know that this is not my second, but my last chance. And if I ever screw up, I will regret, and there'll be no return..

I am therefore putting all my sensitivity away and more understanding into this. In hope of some respect in return.

The most hated frustration

The time was due and was erupting from inside, and things just had to go to a worser end which led to unforgiveness. I totally lost control of my most hated emotion. I admit being rude, but wasn't he to be blamed for that?

I could have had it under my control, but it has been accumulating and I haven't got the time to release any at all. It just got the better of me and erupted. And yes, it ended with me in tears only to know noone cares or bother a tiny bit.

Rumours and news was around, and yet noone did nothing to clear things up. He just had to do things that made me unsound. My mind wandered away and got the tiny devil out. I couldnt stand the look or the sound of him that moment, only to miss him the next second. Maybe it was my ego, but I am not going to do anything about it. I'll just let him do the work, and if he does nothing about it, I will be left with nothing to do to him.

Regret? No.. Why should I? It's just another guy, right? Who was nice when far, but a pain in the arse when near..

Why must I always have to deal with these people? My own finding? My own fault? My own defination of happiness in simplicity? My past doings? Maybe... it's just my mental illness playing games with myself...

My head's spinning, my cough's back.. What have I done to myself? Yet another destruction to my nicely painted masterpiece... When will my turn come? It hurts being with someone, and it hurts more to know I will have noone else. What hurts more is I have failed to know my own emotions. Was it out of the devil's green eye? Or was it a sign that he's just like any other guy around?

I need to get out of this realm and start cleaning my own mess.. But how? Where do I start? Why must men particularly make promises only to break them?

I admit this was just a small matter, but it broke my fragile heart.. My feelings became numb when my heart breaks, and I will start to hate everything around me. I wanted so much to just punch the mirror on my wall, but I knew it's gonna hurt.. But why do I always fall in love when I know it's gonna hurt? Why?

Maybe I'm not meant to love. Maybe I should live being alone just with my parents.. The least I know it's worth hurting myself to see them smile, because I know they won't leave me alone or hurt me with intention. The least I know, I'll still have them at the end of the day. At least I know they are still mine only to be shared with someone who's also my own.

Why did I choose such a choice? Why am I doing this to myself - drowning myself in my own pool of tears? Will I ever smile again? Will the void in my life ever get filled up?