What is happening to me?

Sometimes I just don't know what's going on anymore. Why am I always rising to stand tall just to be pushed and fall so much it hurts all over again? Why?

I don't understand. Really, I don't... People go around saying I keep changing boyfriends, but I never did have one to call one.... Most of the male clan I brought along with me are just friends. And they often get possessive when I pub or club with them because they don't want anyone to disturb my peace and would like to make it obvious that they are with me. But sometimes, them being possessive, made me fall for them... And yet I know it can never be more than anything else.

I made friends easily, especially when I pub alone, drinking away... Sometimes, it's because I am desperate for more friends. I never want to be left alone. I want to be with someone whom I can rely on. I want to be with someone whom I can share everything with. Yet I know I can't be restricted, I need freedom more than anyone else, I hate to be tied down. But then again, it will go back to the fact that I don't want to be alone. At least, not all the time.

I brought Sharmie to PPV yesterday. Played pool... And I wanted to meet that "ROCK" again, but he wasnt there... And guess who I saw next? E... Yes he's in the pub wanting to watch Chealsea. So Sharmie told me, "It's good... You absolutely are famous here, and you gotta get out of here before Rock turns up, that would be ugly and there will be no turning back. " And so we played a bit of pool for awhile. And I finally asked myself, neither was truly anything more than just friends, so why am I afraid of bumping into them both on the same day? And I came up with a few possibilities. They would both claim that I am their girlfriends. They would probably both turn around to me and ask me to choose either. They also might have put a fight, and the winner gets me. Or maybe they would both not talk to me anymore, or worse, tell everyone about me so noone talks to me ever again....

So that's why I never want to bump into any other male clan I know when I am out with one of my male clans. Girlfriends would bitch, then again they bitch when they are jealous. A few right-in-your-face girlfriends I have often tell me to quit it as it won't benefit me, I will fall again and again.... And I will end up starting all over from scratch again. But I couldn't seem to put it right. I like being with them. I get pampered. And the fact that I know it wont last very long, made me want to indulge in whatever I get for as long as I can.

I am actually hoping for Rock to call me up now... I dunno why.. Not that I ever know him. I only met him once. The fact that he's a National Takraw player draw me nearer to him. Call me fool.... I am so in deep shit..

TB? He said I am just his little sister... So since when do I have a brother who do it with me? Such a complex relationship... I don't know how else to feel.. I don't know what I am to say... I don't know if I should allow myself to hope and wish it would get better only to fall yet again... Or should I just walk away and allow him to stop me from leaving... Knowing that he would not stop me sucks... It really does.. No one seemed to care if I really do walk away leaving with tears.. No one seemed to care if I cry every night... No one seemed to be there when I truly need them to be...

I don't even know if I have the right to be jealous... I don't even know if I am suppose to just forget the good memories and just move away and move on with someone else who is non-existent.

You know, the thing about being schizo is, you have too many opinions and you never know which is the real truth because my mind keeps side tracking to another realm just so I feel "happy".

And sometimes... Being a schizo is weird, at one point, you would want and just love this person, and the next you hated him.

Can I just ask this one more time? WHY MUST THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME? What have I truly done wrong to deserve such a complex feeling? Why couldnt my emotions be more straight forward? Why is it that when everything seemed fine, someone else enter the mind of the other person, corrupt it, and leave me feeling so alone all over again? I don't know who to trust now.. I don't even know if I can trust myself!

What is really going on in my life? What is happening to me?!

And if I can't answer.... Who can? I need a mind therapist!