Depressing Thoughts

I know I have endlessly complained about my being inclined to being depressed, and I often wonder why. I can't help but to repeatedly say that I am happy with myself. I couldnt find anythign wrong with myself now. I have got a career which is advancing, education that is ongoing... I have already ran out of things to add on to the list. I guess that's depressing enough.

I spent 6.5hours out of office doing up my 3D prototyping model, gluing the pieces together to bring it back to the office. I ended up coming back in office and explaining to my fellow collegues how the model was produced and how much effort it needs from me. I almost went crazy when someone touched it any-oh-how. I had spent so much time on that fragile little thing, and they just took it out meddling with it. And should it break.. Who's going to redo it all?

I was praised by many of my willingness to go and do it all, putting my every effort to make it work, motivating many to move into the 3D world. I went to school happy, proud and hungry. I finished class a little early. So, I decided to do my long walks again. I ended up in Tanjong Pagar, passing by The Irish Pub, The Coffee Club, RoGueS, The Harry's Bar @ Raffles Place, and whatever else that I've missed out.

I became so alone in my world, I was tempted to step into the pub and just drink away.. Then I started to talk to myself, as I watched the people around me... Often, they are in groups and with their partners.. I board the train, and stood in midst of the sticky crowd, and as I stood there with my mp3 plugged in at full blast, I ended up facing this couple... And I can't help but notice the man grabbing his woman's butt repeatedly, holding her close.. and touched her skin over her shoulders and hands, only to hold her close again by the waist and whisper something into her ears and kissing her succulent neck while she giggles into his ears..

I almost am in tears, especially when James Blunt started saying Goodbye to his Lover on my mp3. I just couldnt help myself but to try my best and looked away just to see another couple.. The man was playing with her hair, messing her tied-up hair, only to have her playfully beat him only to get a big warm hug.. I shrugged myself to the corner, and made an exit. It was a stop before my destination. And so I ended up in a familiar place that holds a few memories- both good and bad. I recalled my first meeting then...

I wanted to walk the route he used to show me once, but I had forgotten, or maybe I refused to remember because it may hurt.. I inhaled as much air as I could.. I started walking briskly past that apartment, refusing to look back. Somehow, I had wished for someone to stop me just to say hi, just for someone to acknowledge my presence. I don't know who I was expecting, but expectedly, and like everyday that had past, noone came to my rescue.

I fell deeper, much deeper.. And yet with higher hopes, and dreams that only waits to be shattered all over again. I hate myself when I feel like this, it only increases the risk of myself being hurt. I wanted to be near, yet stay away. I wanted to be strong, but kept getting more fragile. I wanted to sleep but ended up not sleeping at all. All I want was to be happy... But I can't seem to stay happy alone.. Lame as it can be, I needed so much for real love.

Then I would ask, What is Real Love?

It's magical, yet normal when routined. It's special, yet a cliche. The first time I felt real love, I fell hard on my face. The second time I felt it, I ran away only to regret. The last time I felt love, was when I tried to let it go...

I tend to cry every night, wishing hard for my dreams and wished to come true... Hoping that he, who will not hurt, will one day exist. Hoping he, whose love with not diminish, to one day carry me up and never leave. Hoping that he, who will trust and love me more than anyone else, to come and prove my existence.

Will he ever turn up? Will he ever find me? More importantly, Will he be able to make me a better person?