Shifting out

I have finally decided that it's time for me to move out.. It's just a matter of telling my parents. Have found a place that would be much nearer to where I work..

Problem is, how? I am sure to be disowned yet another time. But I guess I needed my space more than anything else at the moment. I needed some peace of mind. But fret not, I won't forget who my folks are... I would talk to them after work later..

Many has adviced against it.. But my heart tells me to just go... It's long dued. I have to leave and live on my own again.. There's not much choice... I can't go on living with my parents and lie to them everyday.. I havent been myself lately.

I found a doctor who would help me with my thoughts. Let's just see what tomorrow brings....

6 hours late...

Yes, you guessed it right. I just got home at this hour... Well, I had a shot after 2 years. So it took the whole me out. Well, at least I've got my sleep - wherever I was sleeping.

Now it's time to deal with the sh*t and get off to work.. Till later..

Time...

A week has come and zoomed past. How time flies and how many things had happened... I wish I could have my weekend back, to do it all over again. It was a different kind of nice feeling that overcame me.. It was like the ocean touching the shore... Like I'm the shore.. afraid of the ocean crushing me, and yet yearns for it to come back and drag its strong current against my skin.. I am totally in a trance of something that's unsaid.

I didnt sleep over the weekend because I didnt want to miss anything. I couldnt sleep in fear that I'd be left stranded.. I suddenly felt like I have another family to care for. I suddenly felt a sudden push to go on, strive harder and give them my support. Unintentionally, they have build a stronger me within alongside with a heavy responsibility. And yet, they made me a little weaker inside, because my fear became more significant. I am too afraid, even to speak.

What if they like me not because I'm me, but because of what I have and can potentially own? What if they just want to "use" me for awhile? What if... he was told to and wasnt doing it out of his own will? I could sense that he's in love with someone else, but is not telling. I could sense his jealousy when he touched her but is hiding. I couldnt feel enough for me.

How can I talk him out when I never get alone time with him at all? How am I to know more of him if we never could have time?

I am pacing myself at my slowest speed. I tried to restrain myself from falling. I tried not to have any emotions that could possibly deter my pure intentions of befriending a stranger. He was clearly not my type, and yet I was drawn to him. What is wrong with me?

I dunno why I keep falling for bad boys with broken family. I dunno why I keep bruising my own heart with my own stupidity. Why couldnt I just settle with someone who is worth it? Opportunities has come knocking my door but I keep rejecting them.. But when one clear failure come knocking, I willingly let it eat my heart.. I am useless, aren't I? Everything's my fault, isn't it? I am finding my own pit to fall into, aren't I?

Then again, not all bad boys with broken family will became bad men, or are they? True it's hard, but isn't impossible, is it? My head aches thinking about it..

And just so you guys know... I haven't gone to any level with him yet. Just been talking to him. Was like a one sided thing, you know.. Me falling and not know how he feels towards me kind of thing. We are just friends, still.. As much as I wanted more, I had always known that it won't happen.. I have seen the end before it begun.. How sad...

Ah.. I better get my lunch now.. Catch ya later.

Why is it so difficult?

I dunno why it is so difficult to be honest and just tell someone that you don't have any feelings for him... I dunno how to put it really..

Should I just go bluntly and say, "Hey listen, the other time when I said I love you... I was drunk, high and alone. I actually didnt mean it. Cheers!" and walk away? or should I sit with him and tell him as professionally as I could, and say..."I didnt mean to hurt you or play with your feeling or any sort, but I guess I said things that shouldn't be said. I hereby say, that it's over", and assure him that I'll still be his friend?

The later was a better option, but harder. Everytime I sit with him, I figured he's a nice guy. And I dragged the topic, often ending up with him feeling happy that I was there with him. And so it didnt happen again... Should I just appear at PPV, bump into him, pretend I am drunk and say the first speech?

It's cruel to wait and make him fall harder when I finally picked up the courage to do so. I have felt and know what it feels like, and I can't let that happen to another being.. At the same time, it's hard to break the news. I keep wondering how he'd react, I know he's old enough to take it lightly and move on. But him being old-er only means it's harder to move on, or is it not?

I have finally opened up about my true feelings to someone really really trustworthy. And I felt a thousand times better. Above was another part of the twirling breeze in my daily life. I will get by that, I am sure. The sooner, the better.

I hope to see Rock tomorrow.. I will be out after work to do up at least my introductory of my assignment, before I head down to PPV. I will be praying hard that he'd come. I really don't know why I wanted so much to see him again. It's not going to work... We are totally the opposites of nature. E is gonna be here till April... unless his work want to extend his stay again. I have to break the news by end of this month really.. I hate to drag such things.. But it's really hard when you know you're gonna hurt someone because you know how much it'd hurt if it's you in his shoes.. Boy, making decisions are hard, but we still have to make the choice..

I received a postcard from MG in Texas! His handwriting is exactly the same as Skinny R and it scared the shit out of me! And I swear I almost peed in my pants when I saw the handwriting and the almost similar signature! Weird.. really...

I have a long week coming. And I gotta plan and do as I plan unlike last weekend, which only goes to nothing except more Heineken. BAD.. Real BAD.

I don't know what else to write, actually.. So, let's just end it here...

Auf Wiedersehen!

What is happening to me?

Sometimes I just don't know what's going on anymore. Why am I always rising to stand tall just to be pushed and fall so much it hurts all over again? Why?

I don't understand. Really, I don't... People go around saying I keep changing boyfriends, but I never did have one to call one.... Most of the male clan I brought along with me are just friends. And they often get possessive when I pub or club with them because they don't want anyone to disturb my peace and would like to make it obvious that they are with me. But sometimes, them being possessive, made me fall for them... And yet I know it can never be more than anything else.

I made friends easily, especially when I pub alone, drinking away... Sometimes, it's because I am desperate for more friends. I never want to be left alone. I want to be with someone whom I can rely on. I want to be with someone whom I can share everything with. Yet I know I can't be restricted, I need freedom more than anyone else, I hate to be tied down. But then again, it will go back to the fact that I don't want to be alone. At least, not all the time.

I brought Sharmie to PPV yesterday. Played pool... And I wanted to meet that "ROCK" again, but he wasnt there... And guess who I saw next? E... Yes he's in the pub wanting to watch Chealsea. So Sharmie told me, "It's good... You absolutely are famous here, and you gotta get out of here before Rock turns up, that would be ugly and there will be no turning back. " And so we played a bit of pool for awhile. And I finally asked myself, neither was truly anything more than just friends, so why am I afraid of bumping into them both on the same day? And I came up with a few possibilities. They would both claim that I am their girlfriends. They would probably both turn around to me and ask me to choose either. They also might have put a fight, and the winner gets me. Or maybe they would both not talk to me anymore, or worse, tell everyone about me so noone talks to me ever again....

So that's why I never want to bump into any other male clan I know when I am out with one of my male clans. Girlfriends would bitch, then again they bitch when they are jealous. A few right-in-your-face girlfriends I have often tell me to quit it as it won't benefit me, I will fall again and again.... And I will end up starting all over from scratch again. But I couldn't seem to put it right. I like being with them. I get pampered. And the fact that I know it wont last very long, made me want to indulge in whatever I get for as long as I can.

I am actually hoping for Rock to call me up now... I dunno why.. Not that I ever know him. I only met him once. The fact that he's a National Takraw player draw me nearer to him. Call me fool.... I am so in deep shit..

TB? He said I am just his little sister... So since when do I have a brother who do it with me? Such a complex relationship... I don't know how else to feel.. I don't know what I am to say... I don't know if I should allow myself to hope and wish it would get better only to fall yet again... Or should I just walk away and allow him to stop me from leaving... Knowing that he would not stop me sucks... It really does.. No one seemed to care if I really do walk away leaving with tears.. No one seemed to care if I cry every night... No one seemed to be there when I truly need them to be...

I don't even know if I have the right to be jealous... I don't even know if I am suppose to just forget the good memories and just move away and move on with someone else who is non-existent.

You know, the thing about being schizo is, you have too many opinions and you never know which is the real truth because my mind keeps side tracking to another realm just so I feel "happy".

And sometimes... Being a schizo is weird, at one point, you would want and just love this person, and the next you hated him.

Can I just ask this one more time? WHY MUST THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME? What have I truly done wrong to deserve such a complex feeling? Why couldnt my emotions be more straight forward? Why is it that when everything seemed fine, someone else enter the mind of the other person, corrupt it, and leave me feeling so alone all over again? I don't know who to trust now.. I don't even know if I can trust myself!

What is really going on in my life? What is happening to me?!

And if I can't answer.... Who can? I need a mind therapist!

Pub Hopping on Thursday...

I brought M around on Thursday.. Brought him down to Emerald Hill, hitting AlleyBar. Quiet and comfy. Then brought him to Ice Cold, was noisy and crowded, suspect a company night-out. Played a bit of pool.

Then brought him down to my usual spot at PPV. And I started drinking endlessly once I started playing quite a competitive pool with a stranger called "Rock". His voice is rather unique actually.. I dunno what else happened, but I was home at 4am and slept for three hours and then head down to work.

As sleepy and hung over as I am, I got to work looking at my most groggriest day. I couldnt do much in the morning as I tried to keep the splitting headache under control. I was fine by 11am as I was made busy by engineers who keep having changes to their schemic design. I was found trying to tie up my hair only to take it down again...

After work, I went off to school feeling extremely lazy.. I couldnt pay much attention, ended up drooling a whole lot... and writing really big across my book... And when it's time to go, it's time to go.... I just couldnt wait to lie on my big bed and just sleep away..

Indeed I have, proof is, I just woke up and head straight to my Aspire to write what have just happened these past few days.

And now, it's time to head down to Turf City.. but the rain is holding me back.. making me feel extra lazy.. Maybe I'd go later this evening for something else... ;)

Have a good day, reader.. I'm done with my updates for now..

Depressing Thoughts

I know I have endlessly complained about my being inclined to being depressed, and I often wonder why. I can't help but to repeatedly say that I am happy with myself. I couldnt find anythign wrong with myself now. I have got a career which is advancing, education that is ongoing... I have already ran out of things to add on to the list. I guess that's depressing enough.

I spent 6.5hours out of office doing up my 3D prototyping model, gluing the pieces together to bring it back to the office. I ended up coming back in office and explaining to my fellow collegues how the model was produced and how much effort it needs from me. I almost went crazy when someone touched it any-oh-how. I had spent so much time on that fragile little thing, and they just took it out meddling with it. And should it break.. Who's going to redo it all?

I was praised by many of my willingness to go and do it all, putting my every effort to make it work, motivating many to move into the 3D world. I went to school happy, proud and hungry. I finished class a little early. So, I decided to do my long walks again. I ended up in Tanjong Pagar, passing by The Irish Pub, The Coffee Club, RoGueS, The Harry's Bar @ Raffles Place, and whatever else that I've missed out.

I became so alone in my world, I was tempted to step into the pub and just drink away.. Then I started to talk to myself, as I watched the people around me... Often, they are in groups and with their partners.. I board the train, and stood in midst of the sticky crowd, and as I stood there with my mp3 plugged in at full blast, I ended up facing this couple... And I can't help but notice the man grabbing his woman's butt repeatedly, holding her close.. and touched her skin over her shoulders and hands, only to hold her close again by the waist and whisper something into her ears and kissing her succulent neck while she giggles into his ears..

I almost am in tears, especially when James Blunt started saying Goodbye to his Lover on my mp3. I just couldnt help myself but to try my best and looked away just to see another couple.. The man was playing with her hair, messing her tied-up hair, only to have her playfully beat him only to get a big warm hug.. I shrugged myself to the corner, and made an exit. It was a stop before my destination. And so I ended up in a familiar place that holds a few memories- both good and bad. I recalled my first meeting then...

I wanted to walk the route he used to show me once, but I had forgotten, or maybe I refused to remember because it may hurt.. I inhaled as much air as I could.. I started walking briskly past that apartment, refusing to look back. Somehow, I had wished for someone to stop me just to say hi, just for someone to acknowledge my presence. I don't know who I was expecting, but expectedly, and like everyday that had past, noone came to my rescue.

I fell deeper, much deeper.. And yet with higher hopes, and dreams that only waits to be shattered all over again. I hate myself when I feel like this, it only increases the risk of myself being hurt. I wanted to be near, yet stay away. I wanted to be strong, but kept getting more fragile. I wanted to sleep but ended up not sleeping at all. All I want was to be happy... But I can't seem to stay happy alone.. Lame as it can be, I needed so much for real love.

Then I would ask, What is Real Love?

It's magical, yet normal when routined. It's special, yet a cliche. The first time I felt real love, I fell hard on my face. The second time I felt it, I ran away only to regret. The last time I felt love, was when I tried to let it go...

I tend to cry every night, wishing hard for my dreams and wished to come true... Hoping that he, who will not hurt, will one day exist. Hoping he, whose love with not diminish, to one day carry me up and never leave. Hoping that he, who will trust and love me more than anyone else, to come and prove my existence.

Will he ever turn up? Will he ever find me? More importantly, Will he be able to make me a better person?

Good thoughts...

What was good for me isn't necessarily good for others... After writing a whole long essay about what I have in mind, I decide not to post it as it might imply to particularly few who might misunderstood it for something crude written just for them.

I have done a few things and have kept myself busy so I can cut down on my smoking. I have been out, trying to keep my hands full so that lighting a cigarette would be the last thing in mind. I have finally agreed to something that was once said to me and I stubbornly disagree... I used to say that it isn't difficult for me to quit.. Truth is, it is HARD. Look at me.. Trying to prove that I can quit as and when I want, now that I really want to quit, I ended up smoking more.. I tried switching cigarettes so I get sick and not want to smoke, but ended up going back to the initial cigarettes...

I am dissapointed everytime I light up.. There's not many people who can truly motivate and push me to kick this habit.. I can only find two types of people who can help me.. One is family, second is this one friend whom I respected a lot. These two people won't exactly tell me to quit right away, but only show discomfort when I light up, or just say as a matter of factly that they prefer me not smoking, this statement led me to feeling guilty and with love, care and concern, I will try my best to cut down and eventually quit. But problem is, they are either inconsistent with the statement, dissapoint me and led me to start the habit all over or they are not always around.

Next method is to keep myself extremely busy. I can be very impatient, that's why I prefer to walk quickly and not wait for the bus. I sometimes run to school from my office. And when I walk fast, I don't light up, because it's too much of a hassle. I won't smoke when I am really busy because it would keep me occupied that nicotine became useless. But there's always times when I am not that busy, and found 15minutes doing nothing much, and wa la... I think of cigarette breaks..

The longest I've stayed not smoking was 2 years ago, for a little over a year.. Was with Mr at that time, and he motivated me because he has smoked longer than me, but managed to quit. So he challenged me. And then, when we start to part ways, I couldnt help but smoke, because I regretted a few things.

Now, the longest I've stayed without smoking is probably 5 hours. I really ought to sort this matter out. I really need to quit.

Actually I am suppose to write out a movie review, really really overdued. Very nice, touching, romantic and funny movie. A definite must watch- The Holiday - starring Cameron Diaz, Jude Law, Kate Winslet and Jake something. I always forget his name... No longer showing in most cinemas, so I shall skip it.

Also, great wonderful news the moment I return to work from my holiday in Shanghai.. Wee~~ For those who already know about it, thanks for your blessings and prayers. For those who havent yet know about it.. Well.. It's good. Ask me and I'll tell you.. Not for all ears.

Another thing is my voucher.. I need to utilise it by Feb'07. Who wants a weekend stay at Conrad? I won't mind paying for the stay, if you are good. If you want it for yourself, then all you need to do is to be good to me, buy me lunch maybe.. or maybe get me something really useful.. and the voucher will be yours. Make it fast though and ask first. It might be in someone else's hands or maybe I already have plans.

I actually might go alone.. But we'll see.. WHY AM I ALWAYS ALONE?

Oh no.. I know.. Am not alone, am never alone... There'll always be someone out there who'll feel just the same..

Oh, I had a weird dream lately... I have been dreaming of me being a man, and was *you-know-what* with a hot babe. Honestly, it feels good, and it was almost so real..

And when I woke up, the cue stick was no more, neither was the two rambutans.. and I headed to the shower feeling more feminine than ever before..

Photos are uploaded

Check http://naifaj.multiply.com for my photos in Shanghai.. nothing much but buildings... Me being me.. Buildings are what I am interested in. So do check it out..

I am mad that some photos are deleted but nothing much can be done.. so I have to face it and accept the fact..

I am in no mood to update much. so bear with me till I have the mood to do so.

Almost a month overdued...

And I am still counting.. Has only been my third day back home.. And I felt much more less home than I should have been..

I landed all alone, someone fetched me at the airport.. Not even a family member.. When I got home, noone's home.. and so I showered and changed my clothes, only to leave my home to get somethings done..

Not much, but I met my gfs, had 4 cans of beer.. falling asleep but was wide awake the moment I got home. Felt weird sleeping alone at home.. I had gotten used to something I shouldn't be..

I wanted to just get out and run away.. Run and just keep running till there's nothing more to see.. So much happened whilst I was not home... The things that has made me stronger and yet more fragile..

Why am I feeling such? What should I do? I wanted to be alone, and yet can't stand being alone.. I am indeed a thinker who simply think too much deeply. I got lost in my own thoughts not knowing what was in my mind, know not what I had to despite knowing there's something that needs to be done.

Why fall to hurt? Why get up to fall again? Why is the sky so blue? Why must life be so materialistic now? Why couldnt we all just be happy doing things we love without feeling the pressure of having more than we can afford?

Why couldnt we all be more ready to undertake another risk? Why is it when one decide to take the risk, the challenges got tougher? So tough that sometimes, dropping everything and leave is too good to forget? Why are people communicating less? Why are people only concern about talking about other people and how they think and not about themselves and their true feelings and concern?

I wish there are more TBs in the world, whom I can just tell what's in my mind and never feel guilty for I know he'll do the same, and give me his upmost honest opinion. Why lie and die struggling to be someone else? Why can't a bitch claim she is one? Why can't a whore just live and admit so? Why can't a bastard just tell the innocent lady that he is just another bastard with a hairy dick and small balls? Why can't gays openly say they are what they are? Why can't lesbians just openly show their sexual interest?

Why are there always fingers pointing at you, talking about all your bad things, your horrible past and all the accusations and stories? Why can't people just see themselves in the mirror and ask the same questions, be more critical to your own self before you open your freaking mouth and start speaking about what others have chosen to do?

I am different and I am happy with how I have become.. Why can't people around me just simply trust me and be happy about it. I don't beg for your money, neither am I harrassing you with anything. Why can't people just stay out of my way and for once, allow me to smile and laugh as loud and for as long as I want?

Why must my brains work doubly hard only to conclude with a terrible confusion?

I know none of my questions can be answered without further confusing myself or anyone else.

I know you know.. But now, I don't know what i know.. Do you?