The transition from a fiance to a wife

Assalammua'alaikum family, friends and readers..

Yes, I know, very late! Here is my very overdue continuation from the previous wedding fever entry (if you forget which, it is this one)

Before I begin, I would just like to highlight that the food price has taken another hike. A friend just recce the price tags, and found that just for 500pax, it can easily fetch a $20K bill. Yes, just for 500pax!

So you soon-to-marry couples better start saving now unless you have a Plan B team of cooks to do the cooking for you at a special price!

Otherwise, stick to your budget, lessen the no of dishes. To be honest, people who mattered won't mind the lesser no of dishes as long as you are happy and won't be asking for them to loan some money to pay up your debts ever after the wedding is done. In fact, if you are my sister and your budget had only allowed for a plate of rice with scrambled egg, I'd be happy with doing those scrambled egg for you! And I'd just throw in a little something to heighten the occasion so it'd be filled with smiles despite the lack of dishes.

Sooo... how's the transition from being a fiancee to a wife went for me?

Smooth. I shall say smooth. For one, I as a girlfriend or fiance never spent much time at the boyfriend/fiance's place for any longer than a couple of hours. So that is not expected of me after marriage, in fact they were happy that we came to spend the whole afternoon after the marriage, and sometimes asked us to stay a little longer. Remember the mother bird returning to an empty nest. Always be positive! If you had known your fiance for just a year and already will miss him had he went for fishing trip for a few days, imagine a mother who has always been with him all his life to suddenly not have him at home. It would be heartbreaking to say the least.

Have you been left behind?

Honestly yes, although not many noticed, but sometimes I do, and I am more than happy to let myself stay behind. As mentioned, the (my/his) mother is returning to an empty nest or a nest with a missing egg, so whose mom wouldn't want that little private time together after a few days of not seeing each other. It is normal, see it positively, and you'd smile seeing your husband there holding hands and whispering to his mom, and in fact, you'd imagine your son doing that if you're blessed with one (or many).

New responsibilities

Maybe it won't be too much the first few months, your partner and you would be more tolerant during this time, and trust me. This would be the best time to tell and share what you expect and how you expect things to be done. To some, it may be overwhelming. Especially when suddenly, from being able to wake up to a ready-made breakfast (or lunch for some), you are now awaken to get breakfast ready! And yes, that would be me! I am never a breakfast person until I married my husband. I now wake up at 6, get his breakfast ready. And occasionally have to answer his "where's my work shirt/belt/trousers?"

And don't mention the laundry, from just 5 tops, 2 bottoms a week, you might just have to greet 15tops and 10 bottoms a week, excluding the towels and the little stuff.. OH, and the ironing!! And the "pick up after you" stuffs...

New relations

As much as you may hate/dislike some of his relatives, they are now yours. Like it or not, respect them. Seriously, they knew your husband/wife much more that you, and you would never know when you need them at times of need. Even if you don't, your husband/wife might. Drop whatever that you dislike about them, and try looking/finding their good points to like. 

Yeah, now you have two moms, two dads, extra sisters and brothers, the numerous new cousins, nieces, nephews, grandmas, aunties, uncles... you just won't know, perhaps that old friend is your new second cousin! *I just got that awkward moment last weekend.

"Hey you... what brings you here?"
"Oh it's my fiance's aunt's chalet"
"Oh, it's my husband's uncle's chalet"
"Oh.. hmm.. got to go!"

Oh yeah.. I'm still nervously getting ready for more of such. So you better be ready for your moments!
It is especially weird when you in-laws asked, "How do you know him/her?" and you go like, "Oh an old bike friend" And they give you this shocked face.

Oh, ya.. I haven't ride for almost a year, so my in-laws generally forgot I used to ride. Oh wells... NEXT..

New introduction

I never managed to remember all his cousin's name merely because my husband is bad in doing a proper introduction. He introduces me in an awesome way, "Here's Jun, my wife" but he forget that I too need to know who this person is. I often smile and ask him some 5minutes later to avoid awkwardness on who's that of which he often reply vaguely, like I should already know.

So don't go to deeper relationship, I really have no idea. Doesn't help that his cousin's children call him brother as opposed to the rightful "uncle" because he self claimed that he is still young. And so with that I am dead confused on who is the cousin and who is the cousin's children. Really really confused. And don't start with who is kakak and who is adik. I have no idea because most of them call each other by name. 

Partly, because in my family, they is no such things as "downgrading" to a sister when you are an aunt. We readily and proudly claim that title. "Downgrading" oneself is known to be degrading and rude if done on the other end, so yes, I have a niece and nephew who are older than me and well, obviously it is awkward for them to call me "Bibik" so they call me by my name, but their children call me "Nenek" no matter how unglamourous it may sound, AND my parents, brother and SIL refers myself as Bibik when talking to their children still - so no confusion. 

PLUS, in my family we call each other by the title that our children needs to call us, so that children follow suit. Like how I call my niece, Kakak, so her younger siblings would follow suit. And calling my mom, Nenek, so my nieces and nephews follow suit, and how I call my sisters, Ummi and Mama so their children would follow suit. It is only when they are teenagers and understood fully that we resumed to the rightful title, because it is unlikely that a teenager would call their elders by name - at least not in my family. 

I am never confused with my own family even as a child because my mom always makes it clear to all of us, "This lady, Bibik Sumar, is Nenek Hasnah's daughter. Nenek Hasnah is Nenek Enjuk (my maternal grandma)'s sister in law, which means, she is our Atok Marsook's (my maternal grandfather) sister. So she is my cousin, which makes her children your second cousin" 

That's how my mother always explains to us our relations from time to time to remind us and if she isn't too tired, she would name all her children (often in order and include a "same age as you, or a year older than you" statement to each child. I am just so lucky to have a mom like her, I doubt many actually go into detail like that when a child ask who is that. So even when Bibik Sumar is faraway in Australia, we still remember her and her family. 

Less time for the outside world

Oh yes, it happens to me. I am still wondering how other married couples (esp those with kids) made time for all their friends and events, because I barely have my ME time to begin with. 

We only dated the first 6months with weekly night date of some sort, then we forgot dating and cut it down to like once a month or less. The rest of the weekend are either with my parents or his, OR wedding functions. Gosh! I know, I know, make time, but seriously, easier said than done. I have like tonnes of laundry to get done, I have bedsheets to change, I have dinner to fix, and don't you forget that early rise for breakfast that needs done.

And recently I managed a few girls' dinner date with his friend's wives. That will do as my "me" time. Really it will do. This happens probably 6-8 times a year?

We are one

Believe it or not, I felt pain when someone spoke badly about him, behind or in front of him as a joke. I felt pain! It is like talking about me. I don't know about him, but I guess that's what marriage is all about. To work as one, even with two different set of mentalities, opinions and upbringing. And when he succeed, I felt good myself. 

Maybe sometimes, you feel like you deserve it more, then always remind yourself this. You are a team, on the same side. It doesn't matter who, because it benefits both. And if one is falling, catch! Otherwise, create a net so we can save each other. 

That said, if he sleeps after a dinner of onions, well, prepare for a good scent in midst of your deep sleep. *winks*

Treat each other's parents like your own

It is important. Regardless how they treat you back, just treat them like your own. Forgive easily. One day, you will have children, and they will have in-laws, be the in-law that you want your children to be. Nice, understanding and forgiving. Parents are aging, they are more forgetful, helpless and in need of attention and love.

With this, remember, keep silent when you have nothing nice to say. It helps. :)

Just try imagine someone said something horrible to your parents, if you won't like it, then zip it. 

Mind Block

If you have other topics to share or would like me to cover and share, drop a comment! :)

Wassalam,
Junaidah