Wedding Bells are ringing....

Not mine, obviously... Mr's getting married in June.. I'd be lying if I were to say that I'm 100% happy for him. Some part of me still is saddened by the news.. Why the rush? I am upset.. Why couldn't he wait?

I tried to overcome it, he had my parents' blessings, everyones' including mine.. I just couldn't reason why he rushed into another marriage.. And I questioned myself, Why do I care so much for someone who is just a friend...?

I was filled with frust, with disappointment, I even felt like I'm cheated.. I shed a tear in my office upon reading the news... But I have to calm myself.. I can't let Mr down with my emotions.. I have to keep strong and accept the fact. He's happy.. And so I wish him long-lasting joy in his future married life.

Soon, I am disappointed again, why couldn't he wait till August, when I can travel and stay late? Why is he so sure that she's the one this time? Why was I the last to know? And yet again, why do I care so much about his well-being?

If he claimed that I'm his friend, then why did he hide that great news from me? Why didn't he tell me the moment he decided to propose? Why? I guess it's true about what Anonymous said... I didn't mean as much as I think I would mean to him.. People had known the news two weeks ago.. And I just knew it today...

I guess it's good that he didn't wait till I can travel anyway, as that would be an excuse to escape and just deny the fact that I still love him... Goodbye Mr..

~Sniff~

Another slipper on my list.....

Bad.. But I just couldn't resist buying another footwear.. $16.90. A normal casual slipper... But it's nice, and I just had to buy it. I am afterall a passive buyer, especially at times when I can afford it..

Gonna set aside some cash to do my hair treatment. My hair is getting horribly dry and was all over the place.. I have to start going for regular treatments to make it easier to maintain. Next on the list is to continue my lessons at BBDC.. I have to start again, else I will never make it by the end of the year. I have to have all the reasons now that Sharmie is going to do all the lessons with me. That would be reason enough to push me.

I miss MA.. I really do.. His voice sounded so much sweeter, more handsome if I can put it that way.. Haha.. Maybe it's just me not spending much time talking to him on the phone on the long run.. Or maybe it's just me missing him.. Either way, it's clear that I miss his presence in every way..

Time for bed..

**This is the way you brush your teeth.. Brush your teeth.. This is the way you brush your teeth.. Before you go to bed...**

Nyte nyte readers.. Another day, another entry..

Till then..

The sick season is here....

Everybody is falling sick.. MA is terribly sick.. Got himself high fever, cold and sore throat.. Poor kid...

I even sent him home yesterday.. He look so pale and sick.. How am I to let him go home alone?

Today was a little draggy.. Texted most of my friends, but everyone was in the mood to sink into their beds or busy working.. Oh well... Another day maybe...

I know it's short.. But I have to sleep.. Nyte...

SHOPPING!!!!!

I was in the mood for shopping.. And i did!! I bought a new watch, a new shoe(Again...), four tops, one pants and one skirt.. Hehehe.. I still am gonna shop for one casual sandal/slipper, and a wallet.. I had spent hmm let me see.. ($9.90 + $15 + $24 + $32.90 + $32.90 +$32.90 + $49.90 + $25) = $222.50... WOW... And I did shop before this... It all probably adds up to be about $500 just on my shopping spree.. And I'm not really done yet.. Ho ho....

I guess I won't be shopping for the next month or two.. Hahaha..

And all these crazy shopping outburst was observed by MA.. And he had the shock of his life today seeing my passion to just shop and shop.. Oh my.. Oh well... That's just me when I'm in the mood to splurge..

After all that shopping, I even got a lift from TF, MA's friend.. So you see... Free ride with shopping above $200.. Very worth it.. Hehehehe..

Mama booked me tomorrow.. Going to paternal grandma's hse..

Nyte now..

What do I want?

I know what I want when it comes to jobs, houses, cars, bikes, name everything.. I know the criterias that needs to be in them.. But when it comes to what I want in a relationship.. I just became some sort of an entangled mess with no end..

Sometimes, I miss him.. Sometimes, I hate him.. Sometimes, I want him.. Sometimes, I wanna be alone.. Sometimes, I wanna get rid of him.. Sometimes, I don't wanna lose him.. I don't know.. One horrible relationship that failed just made me so difficult..

At the moment, I just wanna hold him close and cry my insecurities away.. I just wanna feel him, feel his love.. Sometimes, I just feel like letting myself go.. I feel like going by the sea, and just sit there till there're no more tears left...

At times, I wish I was stronger... Like before..

Oh well.. Time to sleep..

*Just when I thought he was hiding everything away from me, he decides to tell me everything now... Without me asking.. Just what does that mean? *

**Did you say, he read my mind?**

I know.. I had loved too much, and too soon..

Hide, hid, hidden....

I don't understand why some people just love to lie, or hide some things away from others.. And yet expect others to be truthful, frank and honest..

I failed to understand people's reactions and the way they handle the situations.. I just don't... I had always been honest, telling people I love what I am doing, where I am, what I'm doing.. But I simply just don't get the same back.. The things I get are general.. I just don't get it.. What's there to be so secretive about? SO what if you're gay and you're meeting your gay lover? It's not like I'm gonna hate you or get angry with you.. All I want is you to be as honest as I am..

Just what's up with I am at X Palace, doing some errands that I just have to do.. Can't you just tell me what exactly the fuck you have to do? Do what you have to do, just tell me what it is you have to do!!! Is that really too much to ask, should I have known what you're doing, I wouldn't have disturb the peace you deserved... I don't wanna have myself asking you everytime.. I deserve to know without me asking.. Or do I not?

All I need to know is that you're safe wherever you are.. I just wanna know whom you are with and what you're doing.. Just so, I know where or who to find should anything happen.... Maybe I'm just over-reacting.. But I just had to let you know.. That I'm feeling unimportant or forgotten at times like this.. Like I don't deserve to know the shit you're up to..

I had given you the space as big as how I wanted mine.. Even when I'm with my friends, didn't I always tell you in advance? Wasn't I always clear with whom I am with (I even provide my friends' names) and where I was? I always do inform you prior to meeting them, or in midst of being with them.. I never once left you uninformed of whom I am with... I even told you that I'm meeting up with my former bf.. And had kept you updated once it's confirmed.. SO what's up with you being very secretive when you're meeting up your friends? You merely tell me "I'm meeting my friends.." DOn't your friends have names?

*SIGH* Small things just tend to hit me hard all at the wrong time..

Good Night.. Wishing for a better tomorrow..

I am boring, cranky, stupid and worn out today.

My tummy hurts like never before. Reach KP on the dot, saw the pile of work, got freaked out, got attacked, and I set foot to work and was glued to my seat for more than 8 hours. The one hour of lunch was spent with my dead brain which apparently failed to think. Almost pushed my collegue to her death.. Was in dazed even at the simpliest question... All that was in my brain was work and more work. The thought of going back to work on a public holiday sucks.. I don't wanna do that, so I have to squeeze as much as I possibly can so all is done right the first time.

My brain was so dead, I had to go off at six.. I couldn't think clearly, I was merely holding on to the stupidest painful cramps and the uneasiness of the neverending flow of dirty blood. Eeewwwww.... It's just so sick. I was drained out of all my energy, my mind was tangled with every thoughts that can possibly fit into my small little brain. I was cranky, my back hurts, my neck strained, my eyes sleepy.. *Complains complains complains.... *

MA out with MIBI and another fren. I head home straight, spoke to Mama... Shower, lie around, watch a bit of news, get into my room, pack my things for tomorrow, take out the clothes I wanna wear tomorrow, get on the net hoping to catch up with lost friends, and here typing this out..

I am boring, cranky, stupid and worn out today. At times like this, I don't need to be reminded of what it takes to be a woman or how men are so much more fickled minded than women.. Because, it takes up a lot of energy to explain and proof all these debates... And honestly, I don't have that much energy now, not this week.. Try again next week..

Apologies.. and Thanks for waiting..

Sorry for the long unbearable silence. My internet connection was cut short due to some unknown forces. Thus I wrote some of my history days over at somewhere else. There are a few little things that are rather very nice that happened over the silent days…

Friday, 24th March 2006

A great day that ended with 4 filled up stomachs and 4 wide smiles that continue to live everyday. I celebrated my brother’s belated birthday by ordering 2 regular pizzas and 1 bottle of coke as we sit under the void deck talking, catching up and joking. We sure had fun. But, honestly, 2 regular pizzas are seriously not enough… We need more… We want more.

Saturday, 25th March 2006.

I woke up around 7am, headed for the shower and get ready to leave my house. I accompanied my mom for an appointment at JPC. As we got into the lift down, two Malay men asked if we are going down to 7^th floor or the 1^st, we answered as asked. One of them then delivered one sad news, my neighbour who lives on the 9^th floor just passed away. My mom was filled with sadness and guilt for not finding time to visit him in the hospital while he was still alive. On the journey to JPC, we spoke of my late neighbour’s good deeds, his humorous joke, his spontaneity, and the little memories of him.

We reached JPC at around 8am. When we got to JPC, I queued for my mom and allow my mom to sit and rest. The queue was like an anaconda sliding through. We got out of JPC at around 10plus. Then we headed home and she started calling some friends to deliver the sad news. Then she waited impatiently for my dad’s call to tell him her eagerness to deliver her condolence to her friend (my late neighbour’s wife). My dad finally returned at 2pm. He had his meal, rest a little to get rid of the day’s tiredness. They then headed to my neighbours’ house at about 4pm.

I slept awhile before getting another shower to get ready to leave. I was at CH at 7pm. Met Jerie, the dear friend whom I haven’t seen since I can’t remember when. It was a day to celebrate hers and Sham’s birthday. We then headed towards Esplanade. I joined in with the instructors group. I guess I am more comfy and blended better with them than with the rest. We played games, sing songs, did a ice-breaking session. Laughed a lot.

And yes, we ordered four extra large pizza and two bottles of Coke. So we ate as we did the ice-breaking session. Was almost full, but not really… *Grinz* I had to leave right after the ice-breaking to head home as my mom was alone at home, and was a little afraid of being alone at night. I made a quick exit and was home by 10pm.

I ate my chicken before going to bed to end this very long day..

Sunday, 26th March 2006.

Parents went JB. Met MA at PS, was in no mood to do much. Was easily vulnerable and cranky.. Hungry.. Ate.. And got home....

*I only remember those because I typed it out in words... I don't have that big a memory in my brains.. Not at the moment.. Too much to store..

Pardon me.. I honestly can't recall much...

Friday, 31st March 2006.

Got my first pay check.. :p

Saturday, 1st April 2006.

Ran many many errands with mom. Deposited my cheque, deposited cash for dad, more errands, did our progress package thingy by post, I am tired.. And we ended the day.

Sunday, 2nd April 2006.

Went to my STSS acquantaince's wedding at Teban. Met a few old mates, didn't had much time to catch enough things after many lost years, but enough just by seeing them reunited again.

Of course, the best person to meet is my Malay teacher. She's the best, she will basically have the latest news of everyone that we may want to know.

Met MA at JE, then met his two friends, S & L. Played pool, wasn't MA's day to win. Oh well, too bad, but ain't he suppose to be happy that I won.. Hehehe.. A very fine day.

Monday, 3rd April 2006.

Back to work, paid my bills, renewed my internet plan.. And finally after so long, I gave mom $y. Feel so proud.. *grinz*

Speak to MA after DIA. Spoke and as usual, fell asleep while talking on the phone..

Tuesday, 4th April 2006.

I felt unsecured, unsure, and afraid. Many factors relating to that feeling.

First,
I was being critised at work, which is far away from good. Maybe it was just not a good day for the person involved. I took it easy, still held my head up high. I know what I was doing, so there should be no reason enough to feel stupid. I am not stupid so why should I feel stupid?

Second,
Relationship. Need I explain more? I guess there's no need.

Third,
My brain's exploding!!! I'm sure I don't need to explain that..

But one thing too many.. I am glad I still have a girlfriend to talk to. I still have mom to gossip with. I still have dad to get tips from. I still have myself to begin with.

ZZZZZzzzzzzzzz