Sometimes.

Sometimes, knowing too much is a burden. Sometimes knowing nothing is the best remedy. It's always the case when you know something and keep wanting to know more and in the end you know it all and was left with nothing else to find out.

I am bored. Shit bored. Nothing seems to work. I have done what I have done, there's no looking back, however i keep doing so. Just wonder what I'd be if I would take a different step in a different direction. It seemed endless, this things I go through is nothing but a piece of shit, or is it a stack of shit already. It's starting to stink my life. Really.

I keep putting up my best face, my best smile, my best laugh, my best in everything. It was hard, but hey I tried. And even so, people keep throwing back their shit at me, like I'm somewhat someplace good enough for their shit. Life truly is a big joke eh?

I tried to laugh about it all the time, but there're times I wish I could just smear my piece of shit in their face, I ain't saying they got it easy. Nobody does, I'm given what I deserve, I'm handling what I am able to. So I accepted that, but sometimes, GOd... I felt like it's too much. Sometimes, God, I wish I hadn't gone through some of these shit. But I am at the same time, thankful for what I've through. It's true that someone else would have taken a lifetime to go through what I have in this 21 years. It had the best memories and all kinds of the opposites.

I miss those best memories, I thought I would have a piece of it back. But God, you took that away as well.. I wonder why God.. I really do, what have I done? I really dunno. I thought I'd deserve someone nice to look out for me, but God, he left. With such hurtful words, God it hurts me so bad, and you knew I would just forget it and pretend nothing really happen. But God, you saw me cry every night. I dream of him again God, it wasn't the usual, what is wrong with him? Will you please let me have a clearer view? Why am I always trembling in fear or in guilt? Why? I wasn't about to do what I did, but I thought I ought to. Guess I am wrong again. I shouldn't have listened to those immitating voices. I dunno God, I am too weak.

I guess I've failed your test. My will ain't that strong no more. My soul is somewhere hiding in its hide out. I searched at the usual spot, but it wasn't there, I guess it found a new hideout eh? It is too playful nowadays. Sometimes, God, I felt like I'm near, yet God, I too felt a distinct distance between us. I know what I should do, but I just forgot how. I know You'd teach me how. But, please God, teach the ones around me the same. They ought to be better than me, guide them like how you do me.

Son, I missed you. I haven't seen you for awhile. Come out from your hide out and talk to me. I missed your voice, your fingers striking my face, and your charming smile. Where are you, son? I need you most now. Do come to me tonight, I wanna tell you something. And guess what? I've got a surprise for you. Come on over, and I'll give it to you. Come to mama, ok?

I haven't been very well, I just had some stuff going on. Yet I can speak here. Alright now, I guess this is it. Another entry another day.