A dream

What are dreams all about? Sometimes it tells a tale of the deepest desire... Sometimes, it tells a tale of the near future, sometimes... it's just a game of mind.

I haven't been at my best health. I hadn't had much fancy dreams, someone probably took my dreams away, or probably is dreaming of me. I sometimes wonder of things so sure. Went out with them again, yes he was there. I just couldn't bring myself to speak like normal, like how I used to. I tried to speak and talk normally, but I can't help but to just look away... It wasn't near to easy.

It was clearly stated in his face, and I couldn't face it. Yes, I tried to run this time, and I know the big wall is coming right at my face, but I still kept running away. I'm exhausted. I guess that's why I fell sick. The last I got this sick was when I everything changed which was about 8 yrs ago. Hadn't feel this sick.. Maybe everything is gonna change course for me and everything else.

My baby came last night, looking at me deep into my eyes, making me see what I've done all these years.. I realised how time flies, I realised of how many lives changed because of me, and how many angels had changed mine. I realised of how many 'things' tried to influence me and how many other 'things' tried to guide me through. True these things rarely come, and they only do when you least expect them.

I wonder how Z is doing. My mom asked about Mr. Told her he's coming for Christmas, she looked at me trying to find some kind of emotion in me. I told her it was too late, he's coming with his gf, and yes, he did ask me out to meet once again. My mom just silence it and asked about Zad, she noticed the change. He hadn't been sending me home, he hadn't been meeting me, and he hadn't been calling me much. I am different she said, so I replied, People change Ma... People do...

She just kept in silence knowing the pain I had been through, she told me to just go with the flow, and not to think too much... I told her the same. She told me to quit running away... But I always do it unintentionally, not knowing how and why.

I dunno why, but I felt the distinct coldness from Zad. People had told me of some possibilities, but I was too tired to react. My mind strayed to the good times I had with Z, yes... and Mr too.. I miss all the smiles that used to linger in mine.. How those smiles used to duplicate onto my face.. How those warmth spread inside me.. Soon, Shahril would be in the hands of the day care centre. Soon, I'd be alone to face these headaches alone on my bed, with memories that kills.

It hurts, it sure does.. But I stayed alive, pretending I'm strong. Acting like I'm in control.. But deep down, I knew I've lost the battle. I have wasted all my energy.. There was no point. So I walked away in defeat.