New Year Eve

So it's new year eve already... How time flies... Been an okayish year..

Oh by the way, shall I remind all of you not to trust anyone with any of your secrets, cause, no one can be trusted nowadays....

That someone has leaked a very personal secret today, and I hate him to the core now.. Shut your freaking mouth dude, there are no excuse reason enough to tell anyone that private secret of mine! There are no more looking back, I am not gonna trust you with anything. No sorry is good enough. Once is enough. Thanks, but honestly.. No thanks!

Zad said he'd call me today, but he hadn't call and don't think he'll ever call. But just as bad as he is, he never leaked any unneccessary things that need not be told.

Spoke to Mr just now, but ain't in a talkative mood. So I ended up saying "I don't know" throughout the conversation.

Just about this for now. Just to repeat, DO NOT TRUST ANYONE!

Ich verstehe nicht wieso...

I still haven't broken the mysterious code of life.. I had once, but when I tried again today.. I got lost.. I couldn't get into the LIFE system.. Why? What? You lost? I am too...

I would thought that when someone says "I Love You", I thought that someone would commit to that person he/she said "I Love You" to. I would thought that he/she would be in close contact with that person he/she loves, like contacting that person in regular intervals to know what his/her partner is doing. Strange it was, I never received a single call or text message from that someone, true his prepaid has zero value.. But he is online right now, and he didn't even bother to say hi to me.. So, not wanting to sound like an attention seeker, I didn't do anything about it and just wait and see...

5 minutes past, still nothing.. 10 minutes.. still nothing... So let's just forget it eh?

Met Kamal just now at 2000hrs, he wanted to borrow my helmet.. So met and chatted fer awhile with him.. My parents reactions are funny when I brought out my helmet and headed for the door.. Mama went, "You going out with who? Who riding? Go where?".. Dad went, "You riding is it? Got license ady is it? What bike?" I just burst out laughing.. Haha.. Told them Kamal wants to borrow my helmet.. Dad went, "No license, no bike.. why buy helmet?" Haha. Parents are funny.

So back to Zad.. I dunno what he is doing to me.. No calls no texts, what am I to think? He wasn't working the past two days... Couldn't he use his residential phone to call me up or something? Isn't he the least concern of how I am and what I am doing? And so I don't understand why....

At the same time, I'm glad.. I'm glad he isn't bugging me all the time, I'm glad he gives me to fullest freedom to have fun with my friends, I'm glad it's not soaking too much of my time..

Let's just say I'm single but won't be available till God knows when.. For my heart says, I ain't ready to be someone's someone.. My heart still beats for someone so far... My hearts says, there ain't any more spaces for a new person... Call me selfish.. Kill me if you need to... My hearts still says the same..

Ouh.. I had a good 3.5hrs nap right after work. It felt like a good 8hrs sleep.. That means I would be fresh till late.. Ah~

Hadn't chatted with Midnight since the answer and question session.. Hmmm.. Where are thou, my blogging friend?

Searching for some breathing space withing my heart and soul....

See him, Feel him.

I went to work for a full shift for the first time today. Reach my workplace at 0645hrs. Wasn't given any exact instructions.. So I ended up not doing some stuff..

Doing settlement is like shit.. I understand no shit.. The older people ended up doing most of the things.. I ended up staying up till 1630hrs. Met Steffen at 1715hrs at Great World City.

And when you see Steffen, you feel him.. And so I did... Two kisses as a gesture of hello... And looks like Great World City has no space for us.. And I couldn't help but to hold his hand and pull him lower and kiss him again.. A smile instantly plastered on both our faces.. It was obvious that we miss each other's companionship.. His hand on my waist, oh how that warmth spreads within.. I couldn't help my smile from getting wider..

We chatted and chatted, do a long lost catch up... His stories always amaze me.. He's young, and has already established his career, is pretty well-off, gets to travel a lot, is wild, is witty, is humorous, playful, just about everything you ever can dream off... He was almost like the image of my dream guy.. His best asset lies in his eyes and smile.. That eyes, when it look into mine, I feel like I'm in paradise.. That smile, when it smiles at me, it simply duplicates on mine.

The thing about him that I really adore is the simple fact and gesture of making everything clear. He never mention what he don't feel, he don't try to beat the bush, he do things that he loves, and he won't do anything (other than work) for the sake of doing it. He is about having lots of fun and try make everyone else who's with him have fun as well. He don't do empty promises, he doesn't commit and never expects anyone to commit to him, he is himself, and so when you see him, you just simply feel him...

And so we feel asleep while talking or is it listening to Que Paso Paso.. Slept for 2 hours, got up with aching bodies... The bed was too hard, the pillow ain't right... We lazingly got off the bed and he said he'd be dropping by again on 8th Jan... And would like to get together again, do more catching up.. How nice.. How nice?

The minus thing about him is, he flirts, so if You are the Jealous type.. Don't even try.. You'd get terribly disappointed.. He is afterall about having FUN..

Zad didn't call me, didn't text me, didn't do anything to find me.. So, be it.. I ain't gonna do anything. I had enough fun today..

Gute Nacht!

A day of Events

Woke up so grumpy.... I dragged myself to town for an interview slot that has no space for cancellation. And so I was about an hour late... Filled that piece of form and made my way to roam the whole of Town, which I'd rather call HELL...

I roamed Pgn, then walked myself to SH rest my ass there for about an hour or two, looking at the massive crowd... People walked past, carrying a minimum of two huge Isetan begs.. Making their way around and about town... So many different kind of humans sat and looked about.

Soon I was hungry and so I walked away finding some cheap food... Considering my financial state, I had to.. Then made my way to BORDERS... So full of memories... I see faces that wasn't there, I felt the rush of warmth that wasn't close, I felt the sudden sadness because these people has moved on and probably would forget me in time... I wonder if Mr still remember that first day we went to BORDERS.. Soon it was too much to take, though I was reading a book for about an hour, my mind couldn't concentrate.. It kept giving me those sweet flashbacks.. I closed my eyes and saw his face ever so great... I felt tempted to just give it one last kiss... And so I had to say that I still love Mr very very dearly.. My heart still beats his name over and over again... And yes I yearn to be in his arms once again.. But I do know he's no longer in my territory... I shall just be here alone with those that is with me...

I dragged myself back to SH, still images of Mr running through my mind, oh how we walk these streets together hand in hand, occassionally giving that little smooches and hugs.. Oh how I miss those little things he does to me.. Oh how I yearn teasing him... Oh how I missed those times where he made me blush and hold him tighter and closer to me where my heart beats fast for his kiss.. I closed my eyes once more and there he stood, his arms wide for me to run to.. But in time, I saw another girl so safe in his arms.. I dropped a small tear of love for him.. And I saw someone sitting there waiting for me full of worries...

I slump my body on the hard seat... I was running out of words, my eyes fixed at the escalator where we used to kiss and tease on another.. More and more of his images haunting me.. How I wish I could just run away and forget all those.. But I can't... I loved him too much to simply let the memories go.. I tried to dismiss all these flashbacks and I spoke to break the silence.. And we spoke but silence of my love for Mr filled the moment. I couldn't help it.. I thought I had moved on perfectly.. But truth is, I hadn't..

Then Big Daddy, Freddd decide to join us... And with his presence, it seemed easier to dismiss every sorrow.. Yeah Daddy is really good at making people forget all the sorrows with his jokes and everything.. And soon more joined in and I forgot what I was sad about..

Then we went to AC to sing our hearts out.. Made a whole lot of fun.. I completely has forgotten.. We sang all kind of genre, rap, rock, dangdut, rnb, lovey songs.. Everything.. It was cool... But as I made my way out, I got reminded of how we used to wait for taxis as I saw a few people trying endlessly to flag a taxi down... Those were the days...

And so I made my way home.. Totally broke... I am on the morning shift tomorrow... Need to be at my workplace by 0630hrs..

So, I end my day now.. Good night friends..

Today...

A lot happened today.. Very interesting indeed..

First I added Midnight into my list of MSN friends.. I gotta dash so didn't get to chat with him much. Then I went over my sister's place to give my mom her lunch and to meet my dearest nephew who is also my godson.

Spend a few laughters and good moments with him. Then he took my handphone to play with. Then pretend my handphone is an iron and start imitating ironing motions with his spare shirt.. Such a view. Then suddenly he got annoyed with God knows what. He threw my handphone miles away and start crying, I put on my stern face scoop up my handphone, and walked away, clearing the mess.. He started wailing to beg for my mercy.. I gave up.. How can I leave him crying.. I carried him up, he stopped crying.. Then charged my handphone. Carrying him still.. Gave him his pacifier carrying him still.. Then put him to sleep.. He fell asleep in my arms within 10 minutes..

Put him down on his little mattress get him a pillow for him to hug... Lie next to him smelling him near me.. Kissing his head many times.. Watching him sleep.. His face diminished my every negative emotions. Such a nice feeling being mom.. I guess I'd do more for my own kid.. Ah.. I would have been one.. But God took him away and put his misery down...

Then I went to AA met those IRC Chatters.. I know I said I won't be with them again.. But I can't resist... Too much memories with them.. Kindda precious.. You know me, I treasure everything.. Anyways, everything was much back to normal I guess.. Nice disturbing Rushy.. Haha..

Then time to go home.. And so here I am.. Ouh.. I get to chat with Midnight just now.. So much of information exchanged.. It's really an honour knowing you, Sir.. You have a very interesting life, though you may not come to think of it likewise.. I admire you, for the little things you have that others don't and can't have. I guess God added an extra recipe when he's creating you, coz you're special.. Very special indeed... May you always be in good hands.. Amen..

Ouh.. I also bumped into a very very old friend, known her since 1995. Saw her and Geeta Ka.. So much to say, so many things has gone by.. And so today is going to be history...

Tomorrow awaits for no one.. I might be gone, who knows.. In my sleep I return to God. And in His willingness will I wake tomorrow after my sleep..

Good night all..

Good night...

Dear Midnight,

Sometimes... Friends can be so complicated.. Sometimes.. Friends just end up calling you names and just end up ending a friendship and start being enemies.. Sometimes, enemies stop fighting and wanted to be how it was before.. But nothing is gonna be ever the same..

Doubt remains in my heart. Sometimes, these doubts.. they torture me so much but not enough to kill me. Sometimes, this heart, it gets too tired to think of itself. Sometimes, this heart, it raced too much but wins nothing.

Sometimes... I think I played too much. Sometimes... I think I am being too serious. Sometimes.. Well.. Actually.. All the time, nothing is perfect... And everytime nothing is perfect, someone's there to point out at all your stupid mistake and throw it at you without showing you the perfect way and expect you to redo it all without the smallest error.. So tell me now is there such a word called "perfect"?

Everything happens for a reason, and so they say... What reason do they have to make me go through some unnecessary shit? By the way, who are "they"? Everyone judges me, like I'm some kind of an experiment running some kind of a test. And so I wonder what kind of test am I doing? True I do judge people sometimes.. Maybe everything is just karma.. For all the stupid things I did all these years...

I have been sick, and I don't seem to get well.. It has been 10days.. And I'm still as sick as ever.. Could feel a fever coming up... Could feel my cough getting worse.. Could feel a major headache coming thru..

And I can hear my bed calling me.. Before I end my note, can you tell me about you? Male/female? Age? Whereabouts? Got MSN?

Looking forward to hear from you.

Goodnight for now.

Yours truly,
JMY

Falling sick all over again..

I am given my own dose of medicine.. Yes I guess I truly deserve it.. Thanks whoever you are..

All new Friends from IRC, I guess you ought to just leave me.. Forget me, I ain't worth any friends.. I ought to just be alone with noone at all.. I am a monster who's hungry to break everyone's heart.

I have been living alone, and I won't die without any friends. Buzz off if you want to, come and get some honey when you need to.. Just don't stay.. Coz I ain't worth it.

I am a liar, and have been living being a big huge liar.. So don't believe a word I say, it's all a lie.. Fuck you All!!! I don't give a fuck for anything! I am just another fucking bitch, so just leave me alone. I don't need anyone.

I ain't gonna publish any pictures.. I lost every mood to do anything. So IRC world is still the same world, they come and they leave. So be it that! I ain't gonna do a shit about it.

Goodbye everyone.. I shall be alone in my crib doing what I have been doing all along! Thanks for all the memories..

Boys will be boys...

Received this sms a couple of minutes ago from a friend I know since a decade ago. Here goes :

"A ladies hostel caught fire. It took an hour to bring the fire under control and another three hours to bring the firemen under control."

And so boys will be boys eh..

Zad just got home early this morning. Not a very good trip. He bought in 6 packets of cigarettes.. and got caught plus fined about $500. And the ciggies were confiscated and later was cut into halves by his parents' friend.. Not a very nice gesture.

And so he's sleeping now. Not a chance for me to get drunk.. Not at all.. Maybe I should wait till next year..

Working today, then will meet up with those chatters at JP. And Alikopter is gonna send me home.. Yippeee!! Hehe...

Mr did not call me. That's bad. Very bad. Guess he's busy on bed now with Joey..

Steffen is coming tomorrow. Hope he calls me up tomorrow. I'm looking forward to seeing him. A movie to catch and many hours to catch up.

Enough for now. Time to shake that ass!!

Merry X'mas

Yeah.. It's X'mas... So Boring, I've to admit. Unlike last year, where I get to celebrate with special people like Mr, Chris, Graham, Shaun and their respective partners, me, Rudy, Fiza.. Others include Graham's neighbour, Alex and other people that I may have missed. This year, I was left alone..

I started my low paying job, as a staff at Cheers... At least it's a job that pays me.. Not much but I guess enough for me to get by. Sigh... When will I get to get pissed drunk? Damn!

Anyways, it wasn't much like it was before.. He still bugged everyone we know to find me when he couldn't reach me. He still text me asking how I am. I guess I was yet again, wrong to judge.. Haiz... How do you honestly get rid of someone so nice like this? How? I tried everything.. Break his heart, make him cry, curse him, tell him off... Everything.. But nothing works... And the best thing of all, my boyfriend is his friend too. Stupid.. Really... And I am hating it... I mean yeah, at times it feels great to have someone caring for you.. But sometimes, it gets annoying because it starts to bug too much out of you.

To my loyal commenter, Midnight, I've linked you up.. Check the sidebar.. =)

Okay for now.. My whole body is aching. My head is throbbing. I'm still coughing.

BBQ on X'mas Eve...

Yeah.. It's all back to normal.. Finally.. I dunno about him, but I felt like it was back like before. And I'm enjoying it.. Thanks for making my day, dude!

Oh, now don't think you're the only one who made my day.. Hahaha.. The rest out there too, you filled my day with memories and I want more and more to come.. Life is wonderful with all of you. Thank God for reuniting all of us together.

It was raining, but heck the rain! We carry on with our home-made BBQ pit.. Food was nice, Real nice.. Thanks to Big Daddy Fred for doing the BBQ for us! Love ya lots! The rest were awesome, we went climbing the pyramid to the top, watched the sunset, the skies were great! Some pics coming up people.. Hey, Doll... Pass me the photos pls.. Edy too.. I want all the pics of us today that's taken using your phone.

Okay, names of those who came are Our Big Daddy (Freddd), Edy, Doll, Mamat, Lynn, Sinah, Ani, Fiza and Eva. I love all of you guys.. But I love my birthday gal more... Hehehe...

To my birthday gal, Sharmie.. Happy Birthday Sweetheart.. Sorry I didn't get to see you on this special day.. I'll spend the whole day with you next year, ya? So wait up for me!!! Hehehe..

Another week before 2005 is over.. So what have I not done this year? Hmmm... THINK, THINK!!!

Oh.. I haven't got drunk yet, DAMN!!! Big chance tomorrow.. I want a bottle of a very nice NZ White Wine for X'mas.. Can I have that?

No one has called me up for X'mas Party... Arghh!!! People, get up!! It's gonna be X'mas tomorrow!!! Time to Party, People!!! Call me up!!!

Get lost.....

So hard to please everbody.. So, what's the big deal when I do? Haha.. Shit.. Yeah.. shit shit and more shit stacking up my ass.. Stinky.. If it smells like funk, that might be me, coz nobody funk like I do..

Freak it up your ass, dude.. What's the point? Hahaha.. You wanna act so tough, then you prove that you're one.. You're not, so face it.. What's the big deal?

Okay, shall not brag on that.. Now.. Can't wait for tomorrow.. Another day to get over with, another memory to keep.

Adios my friends.. See ya tomorrow..

Another night...

Hmm.. dunno what to type out.. So many thing in my mind, so it starts to keep crashing... I miss going out partying for X'mas.. I dunno where this year's party would be.. I've texted Fiza and Chris, none had replied. Also texted Ken to ask if the touch guys are gathering for X'mas.. Plus Mr is coming round, so need to find out for him as well..

Ouh.. Sharmie's getting another year older this Saturday.. I would love to have a girls' night out at my place, but I know, nothing special in my room. Another time maybe... Post-birthday party anyone?

Gonna go out with the gang tomorrow and Saturday. We are going to Apollo to further loose my voice then Saturday, we'd eat to the bits. Then I might meet up another gang on Sunday for X'mas.. Man, can't wait.. But then again, nothing much would take place really.. One thing for sure, I'd enjoy and appreciate every moment.

Still haven't got well from my cough.. The sound of my cough sounds like asthma. It's that bad, especially at night, thus not a very good nights' sleep... Spoke to Mr just now.. About 5 minutes long chat... Didn't know I'd miss that voice.. I almost forgot that we are no longer together.. But realise in time to remind him that he's got a girlfriend.. :)

Anyway, no harm done really.. Hey, Mr.. or rather Dr Blewman.. I know I should take care of myself better.. And I'd try get well by X'mas.. See ya!

Reflection on time alone

I was home until I got real bored of all the words and sayings from all the chatters. So I grab my pouch and set myself walking to usual port. I walked down this lonely path :



Yes, it was raining. The pitter pattering from the rain make me walk even slower to admire nature taking its course. It was beautiful, I turned to my left and it looked so calming, and *snap* here it is :



It was so empty yet so full. The green grass was just nice... The rain made it look extra special today. Nothing much going on in the sky... So let's skip the normal.. Then mama called, asked me where I was, to the shop I said.. and she replied, " Buy what? Ciggies? Nothing better else to buy is it? Throw that habit!" And I can only smile and reply, "Yes Ma'am"

As I was nearing my doorstep, I just thought it is nice, so snap snap.. Night night photos to end my day.. It was meaningful today.. The image of a little boy was still in my mind, so much I saw him come to me, held my hand and disappeared just like that.. Boy, he was really charming...

Oh, yes the photo.. I haven't forgotten. Just four, but still.. Enjoy...


Blue blue day


A little peak at the AYE


Why is it so blue today?


The layers of colours.. Wish I could paint as perfect as it is...

That's it.. More to snap in time to come..

Zad's away in KL.. Time for me to get DRUNK!!!!! Hahahahahahaha...

Adios Amigos.

Time to snap!

Mix marriage... Banglawan weds Chinagal. Khekhekhekhekhekhekhe.


Ni la muka masing2 di saat termenung... Pikirkan ape je...


She's satisfied, I want MORE.... Can?


And so I got a new one, no big deal... Hahahaha


So she is more happy with a man.. Haiz...


Busy dan serious betol la ni dua manusia bila SMS.. Chill la.. Just SMS what...


Apa marah-marah ni? Bleh bebual per? Lermek!!


Ah... Makan pun cantik.. Makan makan.. Sedap tak?


Muka senoneng.. Ape je yg ade kat kepala otak dia...


Daddy's Eyes...


Ape je dia ni genggam... Sakit ker?


Bluek


Kiss her and she smiles...


Cast a finger behind that box and it'd taste better


Cute gay for SALE


Our feet


Bigger smile when I kiss her... What does that tells you?


Me tired after satisfying her so my other partner take over the kissing.. =)


PEACE PEOPLE... They came from the SUN with PEACE...


Kesian mereka ni... Duduk merempat.. Ishk ishk ishk...


2 words - GET ALIVE!!!!


Seller : Ni barang BAIK punya!!
Customer : Ye ke? Cam slalu nampak je... Barang biasa ar ni..
Seller : Gua tolak lu murah2 la.. Lu mau tak mau?
Customer : Tngok ar macam mane.... Gua bawa balik test dulu ar.. Amciam?
Seller : Lu giler ke? Bleh blah la!

That's all the pictures so far.. More to come... Happy waiting...

Siti Nadiah is 9!!

How time flies... She's already Nine.... wow.. Happy Birthday Beautiful. Love you a whole lot!!

Today... did nothing much except SLEEP.. hahaha.. That's it.. Just an entry to wish my dearest niece a Happy and Prosperous Birthday... More to come, baby.. Love ya!

A dream

What are dreams all about? Sometimes it tells a tale of the deepest desire... Sometimes, it tells a tale of the near future, sometimes... it's just a game of mind.

I haven't been at my best health. I hadn't had much fancy dreams, someone probably took my dreams away, or probably is dreaming of me. I sometimes wonder of things so sure. Went out with them again, yes he was there. I just couldn't bring myself to speak like normal, like how I used to. I tried to speak and talk normally, but I can't help but to just look away... It wasn't near to easy.

It was clearly stated in his face, and I couldn't face it. Yes, I tried to run this time, and I know the big wall is coming right at my face, but I still kept running away. I'm exhausted. I guess that's why I fell sick. The last I got this sick was when I everything changed which was about 8 yrs ago. Hadn't feel this sick.. Maybe everything is gonna change course for me and everything else.

My baby came last night, looking at me deep into my eyes, making me see what I've done all these years.. I realised how time flies, I realised of how many lives changed because of me, and how many angels had changed mine. I realised of how many 'things' tried to influence me and how many other 'things' tried to guide me through. True these things rarely come, and they only do when you least expect them.

I wonder how Z is doing. My mom asked about Mr. Told her he's coming for Christmas, she looked at me trying to find some kind of emotion in me. I told her it was too late, he's coming with his gf, and yes, he did ask me out to meet once again. My mom just silence it and asked about Zad, she noticed the change. He hadn't been sending me home, he hadn't been meeting me, and he hadn't been calling me much. I am different she said, so I replied, People change Ma... People do...

She just kept in silence knowing the pain I had been through, she told me to just go with the flow, and not to think too much... I told her the same. She told me to quit running away... But I always do it unintentionally, not knowing how and why.

I dunno why, but I felt the distinct coldness from Zad. People had told me of some possibilities, but I was too tired to react. My mind strayed to the good times I had with Z, yes... and Mr too.. I miss all the smiles that used to linger in mine.. How those smiles used to duplicate onto my face.. How those warmth spread inside me.. Soon, Shahril would be in the hands of the day care centre. Soon, I'd be alone to face these headaches alone on my bed, with memories that kills.

It hurts, it sure does.. But I stayed alive, pretending I'm strong. Acting like I'm in control.. But deep down, I knew I've lost the battle. I have wasted all my energy.. There was no point. So I walked away in defeat.

SICK

Some people just don't get me. Yeah.. I am THAT mysterious. Often than not, people get me wrong. I don't blame them really... They just fail to read my heart... I guess that's why I always avoid some things, to avoid people from reading my heart. I wanna stay mysterious, and let people wonder who I really am.

Then again, LIFE IS A BIG JOKE, so help yourself and LAUGH ABOUT IT.

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Like I've said in the previous post, I've got what I asked for. I should be happy. I should be.

I miss my gals... Sharmie, Tingie, Token... I miss you guys.. Come on over and have a girls' night out on my bed... Please...

I also miss my big bear, Ahmad Tarmizi... Has been eons the last I saw him.

I also miss Telletubby, Faz aka Dipsy... My tag team partner in everything... Where are thou?

I miss those days spent hangging around at HV, sitting at CB eating my double waffles... And chilling at Chris' house.. Those two irritating but lovable doggies- Pepsi and barre... and yes.. Kimmie too...

I still remember those days with no worries, living on my own at my own place all alone, going out get drunk, sleep overs, studying, late night walks, ladies' night, champagne, tequilas, wine, bar top dancing, dressing up together, hang overs, talking bullshit that makes no sense.... ah... so many things that I love but do no more... ah...

Christmas and New Year at home all alone, with nothing but a tv set and me. Soon I'd welcome 2006 with a big smile and await for my birthday... Then I'd be free to roam the whole of singapore around the clock. And at the end of the year, BAWEAN HERE I COME...

But it's gonna be boring... my cuzies are all married already... SHIT.. But who cares? I am free, that's what matters... Then maybe.. if I save enough, me and the gals are gonna go for a honeymoon somewhere nice.. I am so looking forward to that, and nothing is gonna stop me..

Alright now, Gute Nacht! Schlafen gut!

I've decided, and it has spoke.

Muahahahahaha.. I've got what I asked for. And I'm happy.

Spoke to my mama... Even she was reading my mind. The time has come, and I shall just let it invade my soul. I've decided, and I shall not be fickle about it. I shall keep to my words, and I shall be deemed of what I deserve.

PEOPLE CHANGE, SO DO I. True that deep inside I am still me, but some circumstance make me react differently. And I guess that is giving other people some side effects. Well, if that is so, then I guess it's too bad. You probably have an ALLERGY with me.. Hahaha.. FACE IT, ACCEPT IT.

Yes, my sadism has came back.. Muahahahahahaha....

KILLING THE INSIDES OF YOU...

Sometimes.

Sometimes, knowing too much is a burden. Sometimes knowing nothing is the best remedy. It's always the case when you know something and keep wanting to know more and in the end you know it all and was left with nothing else to find out.

I am bored. Shit bored. Nothing seems to work. I have done what I have done, there's no looking back, however i keep doing so. Just wonder what I'd be if I would take a different step in a different direction. It seemed endless, this things I go through is nothing but a piece of shit, or is it a stack of shit already. It's starting to stink my life. Really.

I keep putting up my best face, my best smile, my best laugh, my best in everything. It was hard, but hey I tried. And even so, people keep throwing back their shit at me, like I'm somewhat someplace good enough for their shit. Life truly is a big joke eh?

I tried to laugh about it all the time, but there're times I wish I could just smear my piece of shit in their face, I ain't saying they got it easy. Nobody does, I'm given what I deserve, I'm handling what I am able to. So I accepted that, but sometimes, GOd... I felt like it's too much. Sometimes, God, I wish I hadn't gone through some of these shit. But I am at the same time, thankful for what I've through. It's true that someone else would have taken a lifetime to go through what I have in this 21 years. It had the best memories and all kinds of the opposites.

I miss those best memories, I thought I would have a piece of it back. But God, you took that away as well.. I wonder why God.. I really do, what have I done? I really dunno. I thought I'd deserve someone nice to look out for me, but God, he left. With such hurtful words, God it hurts me so bad, and you knew I would just forget it and pretend nothing really happen. But God, you saw me cry every night. I dream of him again God, it wasn't the usual, what is wrong with him? Will you please let me have a clearer view? Why am I always trembling in fear or in guilt? Why? I wasn't about to do what I did, but I thought I ought to. Guess I am wrong again. I shouldn't have listened to those immitating voices. I dunno God, I am too weak.

I guess I've failed your test. My will ain't that strong no more. My soul is somewhere hiding in its hide out. I searched at the usual spot, but it wasn't there, I guess it found a new hideout eh? It is too playful nowadays. Sometimes, God, I felt like I'm near, yet God, I too felt a distinct distance between us. I know what I should do, but I just forgot how. I know You'd teach me how. But, please God, teach the ones around me the same. They ought to be better than me, guide them like how you do me.

Son, I missed you. I haven't seen you for awhile. Come out from your hide out and talk to me. I missed your voice, your fingers striking my face, and your charming smile. Where are you, son? I need you most now. Do come to me tonight, I wanna tell you something. And guess what? I've got a surprise for you. Come on over, and I'll give it to you. Come to mama, ok?

I haven't been very well, I just had some stuff going on. Yet I can speak here. Alright now, I guess this is it. Another entry another day.

Experienced

Sometimes, no matter how great your experiences are in life, you still won't be prepared for what's coming for you. No matter how much you've been through there's always something new in life, but then again what's new when the end result is the same ol' shit? Shall I remind ya'all that Life is a Big Joke, and all you should do is to laugh about it.

I did some refreshing of mind last night, wasn't grand.. But enough. At least most of what I've kept deep inside me, is let out free. Still, I don't feel right. I feel like crap, like the bitch I've always been. Such a dumb ass, so stupid, I keep doing it.. Life sucks, but that's nothing new... Or is it?

Z had completed his 2 year service in NS yesterday. He still prefer to keep his missing status on, and I can't do anything about it. I tried, but what's the point? My cuzzie? Rizal? Who is he? Even he refuse to have anything to do with me, so yes.. PEOPLE CHANGE.

Maybe I should have just done what I would always do.. Don't give a damn, and just be the way I used to be - ALONE. Maybe this person, this soul within this body, is meant to be left alone. She's just tired really. She can't please everyone, not even herself, then what's the point of caring so much? Then again, when she doesn't, everything else comes crumbling down.

I'm meeting Sharmie tomorrow. Bored today, nothing much to do. I don't feel like doing anything today. I felt tired, so tired - both mentally and physically. There're always some things that are better left unsaid, but when you do, everything gets into a turmoil, and it'd be so hard to get out of that piece of shit.

Two birthdays, Christmas and New Year is around the corner and I'm broke to my last piece. I miss working.. I made my mistake, but don't punish me like this. I need a JOB. Too much bumming around is getting too expensive.

Well, I shall end my typing her, gotta do some errands now. Adios.

Today's touch training.

Wasn't feeling wonderful yesterday. Was too mad, so mad I just simply punched the walls in the toilet till it dropped and break into pieces. I step out and I got home feeling the pain, the pain remains as a reminder that I'm still alive, live to be a stronger person.

Then today, spent the whole day of today at home rot myself to some dead end, then suddenly it's already 1730hrs. So i get ready to go for touch training... Didn't do so great, I had no stamina, no speed... bad passes, shitty dumps, not much touches... Didn't feel very good...

I am not much in the mood to update, plus my hand hurts... So this is it for today... Till next time..

What is wrong with me?

I ought to know what's wrong with me, but everything seems so wrong with everything about me. I didn't know why suddenly tears roll down my cheeks and wet my lips. I dunno why my head feels so light suddenly. I dunno why I feel like I'm on the clouds walking aimlessly.

Even when I'm on the phone, I couldn't speak what I wanted to say. Everything is playing in my mind, yet I dunno what is on my mind. I wanted to sleep yet I can't get my eyes shut. I wanted to indulge in the simple pleasures yet I couldn't get what I am searching for. I wanted to be alone, yet I can't get my privacy within my reach.

I guess it is time now to get myself even more confused than ever. I dunno what I've been typing yet I know I have to do this. Let's just say, I miss those people so close yet so far, someone so far yet so strange.

A weeks' update in one entry...

Okay let's try remember what I did this past week..

Saturday, 3rd Dec.
Saturday was Family day.. Ummie and Mama came over with the kids. A major get-together, so I didn't get out of my house. Just a day with my beloved family.

Sunday, 4th Dec.
Went out with Zad to watch a movie with his cuzzie. We went for the 1640hrs show. Chilled out a bit, cuzzie's talks... I was in my own world as they speak, snicker at some funny remarks and just sit there deep in my own thoughts. Then Zad sent me home, hang out at my place for awhile. Then he went home.

Monday, 5th Dec.
Went for my practical. Went okay, need to repeat the same thing as I was too wobbly and not firm when changing gears as I turn. Then I declined going out with the chatters, thinking I would be meeting Zad, which didn't came. He didn't call me, neither texted me.. Didn't think much of it.

Tuesday, 6th Dec.
Stayed home the whole day- yeah.. the ENTIRE WHOLE DAY. Zad did the same thing, no call no text just leave me in mid air. I got pissed coz I won't be meeting him on Wednesday so that would be 3 days without the slightest sight of him. Later at night, he confessed that he's trying to take a step back and take things slow, which is good, I thought I would be the one saying that. But oh well, he did the move. So i just follow the wave.. And after small little tears and some little squabbles and mumblings, we both decide to lessen our meetings to say 3 times a week. He's often tired after work anyway, so I guess that'd benefit both of us, me having time to spend by myself or other friends and him some time to rest better. So we did that, and we are fine now. =)

Wednesday, 7th Dec.
I went for my practical and passed my module. Hehehe.. So happy, then went home, chill out a bit, then went for my touch rugby training. Was fun.. Lots of people so plenty of time to catch my breath, keep subbing.. hehehe.. Managed to catch the 9pm bus. So got home way before my curfew.

Thursday, 8th Dec.
Met Zad in the morning. I was late. Accompanied him to the polyclinic, he wasn't feeling very well, he had bad cough (a sign that he should stop smoking.. *applies to me as well) and he had this lump under his knee which is starting to have pus. Then I went home as my mom asked me to go my grandma's, which I didn't go in the end as she unreasonably nagged at me without mercy. I called up Lynn to ask if they are out, so I went out with the chatters at the very last minute, didn't inform Zad.. Oppssiiieeee.. sorry D.. I followed them jamming.. Knowing me, I always had this big crush on the drum set, so yes I like to observe the drummer and how he do his thing. It was Fredd.. He just drum his way to the sky.. The sound of it is just perfect. I wanna learn play the drum.

Friday, 9th Dec.
Went for my practical, passed at one go. Up and down the slope was tricky but I did it fine.. A little wobblish but I did it. =) Then went for my interview at Sungei Kadut at 2pm. Company name was PanUnited something.. It actually started with shipping then branch out to industrial field. This one is dealing with Premix- the mix for the roads. Then fax my transcript to PSA. Just hope one of them works out. Now, nothing much to do except ROT.

Ok now.. ROTTING MY WAY OUT.. Later~

Life as a Jobless Bitch

Life as a Jobless Bitch has never been this hard.. I have been sleeping like a pig these past few days.. Like i sleep at 10pm and wake up way after 10am.. I keep going back to sleep in the morning. It seems so hard to stay awake these few days. It kindda scare my daylight out.

I'm still waiting for Z to return my things. He has truly dissapoint me.. Tremendously! Stop making me hate you, Z!!!! Argh.. And Zad hasn't been in his best moods, he is just starting to cool down. I have absolute no say as to why he's in a terrible mood of late.

So much happened yet I couldn't even type it out, something seemed to stop me from writing too much details. I am going bankrupt.. Still hadn't got a job, parents not gonna support a single cent for me. I am just rotting here in my room...

Ouh, yesterday I became this small sensitive baby.. I dunno why, I just have those jumpy moods.. Time to PMS I guess.. I think I ought to shower now.. I have been drooling all night, and drool more the whole morning.. I really think it's time for me to clean up and make myself smell nice and be more fresher.

Ouh, yesterday i watched Perfect Man at the VCD shop at JP.. yeah.. Zad and I were standing for like an hour. He watched Batman Begins and I watched Perfect Man. Such a story, I really like, it's Diary Based. It's almost like seeing my blog going LIVE. Hahaha...

Ouh, and.. my cuzzie called me up yesterday so that i can talk to his gf. Just to info her that we are REAL cuzzie and nothing more than that.. Yikes. So funny really. I guess it's really time for me to go into the toilet and get wet now.. My ass is somewhat stuck to my seat.. I can barely move..

I'll try update more often.. I know, i'm a jobless bitch and i ought to have more time to update more frequently.. Yikes.. Gtg now..

Later~