I still want to be a stay at home wife

Assalammu'alaikum family, friends, readers and followers of this blog. I know it has become somewhat routine for me to summarize my months in a single post but on some days/months, I need to do multiple entries because some topics are just such. I have been crying blood and tears to make my dream to be a stay home wife so much this year. It hurts me so much to be working, doing business and trying to handle my home.

I know I cant do it right now. I have a home to pay for, and for that we calculated. I need to continue working for at least 5 more years before taking the next downgrade or quit and realize my dream. 5 years when I did the deal with my husband sounded so short, but guess what? 1 yr into it I began to really think that this 5 years will feel like 50 years.. And like always, whenever I feel pressure to do everything I add more things to do so I don't overthink. I don't know how to think anymore. I am tired, but I can't complain because I added more things to do, and I promise so I commit. I am beyond tired but all everyone says is that I am super to be able to do all this on time and on my own.

Truth is, I am not super. I am tired, and I am scared of giving up. I am scared to fall and give it all up, so I kept going. I had no choice. I had no luxury to get back and complain. I can't. I had to keep going and going. There is no choice.

And people keep telling me, just forget about being at home, just work and continue working until you can't, but people.. That won't do me any justice... I am not quitting my job to stay home and do nothing. I know what is in store for me. I am quitting so I can be home and continue working non-stop and for much lesser. I know... I know when I quit my job, I will have less money power, and I will drown with never ending work. I know. Trust me, I know. I also know that I will miss working, I also know I will not be able to go out with my friends for coffee because I may not have the money to do so. I know. And still, yes.. and still, I want to quit and be home.

Different people, different ways.. The desire to be home is getting stronger and stronger.. I don't know how to handle it... Everytime I hit home, I hit right to work. Be it, my sewing job, or my household chores. I don't have rest except for sleep (if I do). I resent people who comes home and hit the sofa and rest, but I can't do the same no matter how much I wanted to. I kept going, and had to keep going. When I stop to rest, I feel like I am wasting time. I become very restless. I become angry when I suddenly don't have anything to do, although in my head I had wanted to sit down and watch tv, I can't. My mind and body wont allow it. It is like I wont be able to do so.

I had always thought a dream is about having a dream house, dream car, dream holiday, you know.. monetary stuff, but it is not. My dream to be able to stay home is much much bigger than anything else that money could buy. I wish money drops from the sky and into my sewing room window. I wish. I wish Singapore is not too expensive to live in, but it is not.

So, I really don't know how to realize my dream. At the moment, I just wish and hope my house gets paid for quicker than we plan to. I just want to be home... Just be at home... indulging in the never-ending list of things to get done...

My dream is not silly, I am not silly. Until I fulfil my dream, I will continue to dream my dream to be home where my heart belongs.

Until next entry,
Jun

Wassalam