Syawal 2016 (1437H)

Assalammu'alaikum family, friends, readers and followers of this blog.

It is a sad Syawal for us this year. At the end of Ramadhan, at the sound of Takbir Raya, I lost all the appetite despite fasting the whole day. I only managed to gulp down my mug of milk tea, and the rest of the food, I couldn't bring myself to eat. I stood up, and saw my mom tearing up.

I sat next to her, and held her arm and instantly tears fell through my eyes down my cheeks. This year is significantly different. The loss is apparent. We have a huge void in us this year. I tried to muster the courage to not cry, my mom no longer on the dining table, my search ended when I saw her on her bed sobbing away, I sat next to her hugged her and cried with her. No words, just tears. I dunno what to say.

My mom mumbling and asked me to leave her alone. I couldnt budge for the next 5-10minutes. When I finally do, I slumbered myself onto the sofa and stared into empty space. I took another glass of water to just gather myself up. The house was silent. Noone said a word, and yet we understood each other too well.. We are all coping, coming to terms with the void.

My dad would have dressed up in his best baju melayu, swiped his favourite minyak atar on his baju and handkerchief and headed to the mosque to recite the takbir. He would have greeted all his friends, and come home with some snacks.. He would remind us to mandi sunat aidilfitri first thing in the morning and would tell my husband what time he will leave home for the mosque tomorrow.

But all these are nothing but memories.. His last Ramadhan and Syawal was last year... We don't have him with us this year. I couldn't even plan my Hari Raya.

The first day, after my husband returned from the mosque, all I could do is get myself dressed, with a heavy heart I went to my in-laws, stayed a few hours, then head right home. Since my eldest sister is home with mom, I told my husband we shall just go my grandma's house with my second sister and head back home right after.

And that was it. That was all we had out on Raya. The rest was just spent being home welcoming guests. Alhamdulillah, many understood why we didnt go out that much this year.

Sometimes I find talk is cheap. It is sooo easy to tell someone "oh, sabar la... redha la dgn permergina si polan.. jgn sedih-sedih... kita yang hidup kena move on..."

It is too easy to say it all. But it is sooo hard having to be the person to move on.

Maybe because I don't have young children on my own, and therefore I am selfish to take all the time there is to mourn. Maybe if I had children, I would have moved on a different way. Maybe I would be out and about 3 days in a row... Who knows?

Me? I don't have any young kids to be guilty if we dont go out and about, so I am selfish. Oh yes I am! It is my dad that is no longer around, not a cousin, not a friend. It is my dad, whom I had lived with for all my life - all 32+ years of my life, okay maybe minus 1-2years of it, but that still counts to 30 years of my life living with him. How can it ever be easy to simply move on? I know, maybe my father wont want me to mourn this long, but I am sure he would understand my deep lost when it was his time to meet Sakaratul Maut and walked with him to meet our Creator. He would understand why it was hard on me, and harder on my mom. He would know.

Leave me alone, and give me all the time to mourn. It is not easy. The next time I know someone who loses her/his dad, it would be a different speech... I wont say a word, but just a hug to just send vibes that I understood the loss.

To all my relatives, I am sorry I didn't seemed to go around visiting. I know those who know me well enough would give me room. And would understand if I didn't stay long enough at any functions.

It is not easy, and I don't know how some people could move on simply within the week to get on going and attend happy events, one after another right after a significant loss. I don't know. All I know is I can't bring myself to enjoy 100% without thinking of my mom.

I shall just end it here before I cry my eyeballs out again.

My Bapak's little girl,
Jun

Wassalam.