Family and Reunions

Assalammu'alaikum family, friends, readers and followers of this blog. A long weekend is coming and what greater way would it be other than to spend it with the family, yes?

We would be in ghost town for awhile - perhaps the whole week with company closures and what not, so don't forget to stock up your food needs before the weekend, guys!

I just had an extended family gathering at my maternal grandma's place. I like how we integrated and mingled as one big family, each family defined by their boundaries, and yet open to talk and get to know each other a little better than before.

We do have comfort zones as to whom we are more open for conversations and maybe more reserved on others, but I am pretty sure we know who we are and who the other person is at any point. We have been through a lot, a good lot to say the least. And I guess it was that, that makes us special and more accepting.

Or maybe because we had children and our children taught us a whole lot of new lessons about relationship and how we should just leave the past and just make a new relationship afresh. Maybe. With children, we tend to be more friendly, and more accepting. We just do.

Their little hands so generous, their little cry of concerns so caring, how can anyone not see the child as a child and just love that child regardless who his/her parents are? Who can ever do something horrible to a child for what his/her parents do? I know I can't and I tend to forgive and just forget so I can love better.

I enjoy the day mingling and watching my cousins laughing and talking. I just find joy in that simple everyday thing. I enjoy listening to the stories my cousins narrate of his job, or funny moments of his children. I enjoy that moment of happiness that my little cousin had discovered after being a mom, I enjoyed everything I hear from them because it is genuine. The excitement in sharing experience and all that and I never wanted it to end. Even if I wasn't their direct audience, I still enjoy it from afar. I don't even know how to explain it.

I enjoy watching how children brings us altogether closer than before. I guess our children really do a lot of teaching to us than we would to them, eh? I wished I could just share the same happiness, but I am not yet a mom to my own child, and I was afraid I would be judged for being too nosey or being i know-it-all, so I kept silent and just smile at their stories. I was almost helpless and coming to probably desperate to be a mom, to carry an infant and have people congratulate me, and to just love my child.

I felt almost like an outcast because I am still not blessed. As much as I know it is my test and that I accepted it, I couldn't help but to feel the pain inside me when I see everyone with kids of their own and having someone else to love them just as much as you. I had baby M that day, and she keep reassuring me by keep finding and asking for me. I am glad for her presence, and I would not trade her for my own. I know, I am confused as well.

I guess people should just NOT compare. Maybe that would make me feel better. Like you know, stop comparing life without children and with. Or try to convince me that being childless is better than being with children. STOP.

Maybe if these comparison stop, then I would stop feeling bad for myself. I don't know. And stop suggesting IUI, IVF, adoption and what not. Those are not new to me, and we have definitely weight out the options and review them all. I guess... I just needed time away from Earth and humans, maybe I should just rocket myself out to VENUS and cry. I don't know...

Just hopeful that the upcoming long weekend would bring me joy and let me forget for a long while.

The broken self,
Jun

Wassalam