Out of Character

Assalammualaikum my beloved friends,

 

I hope all is well, as usual.. It's my third day with nothing to do in the office... Driving myself nuts eyeing for work like a vulture looking for a dying victim. Seriously, having nothing to do gives me a whole lot more stress than when there is too much to do.

 

Strangely, my fingers went typing and clicking to websites that used to turn me off. The first website i went to, I researched on its background, testimonials, and subsequently, their available packages. And I went on and on to their competitors to compare prices. And this is definitely out of character. I haven't look into that sector since 4 yrs ago. Although I do mention it, but i never went to this extent before. I am feeling eager, scared, surprised, and excited.

 

Then, the reality bites. I calculated, and figured I will take 40months before I can plunge and execute what I had in mind. We both discussed briefly.. But never got into details. We spoke of possibilities, but no affirmations or confirmations. I blushed when I think about what was said. I smiled when I recalled his face. And I prayed so hard every night to give me light and show me if he is truly meant to be mine.

 

He never instantenously agree with what I say or what I think. He argues about other possibilities, and I love him for that althought i always reacted and looked unhappy with him disagreeing with me. I loved him so much because he is different, he has all that stuff that I never had in me. He took charge of things that I never get around controlling. He straightened my life with his supporting and loving care. Sometimes, he never listens enough and talks too much, but that is just what I need sometimes. So I will be dumbfounded and think through what I had just said and consider what he just said. True, there are many times and moments that I just wish he would just nod his head and agree with me for once. But I also know that I will hate it at a later stage.

 

Sometimes, i do wonder if I deserve him or vice.. I dunno.. I could never imagine how life would be if he didnt come into my life as who he is right now. I could never really imagine if he never accepted me, if he just wanted to be friends.. The only thing that I can imagine right now is the future of us, me him and lots of kids.. caring for our parents with sincere love and care. Travelling to our hometown, with lots of smiles and love.

 

40 months... will we see to it? Can my parents wait that long? Will he be happy?

 

Before I was just afraid if he only treated me as a friend,

Then I was just afraid if he couldn't accept what happened to me in the past,

And now, it seems that I am afraid of the future, what the future brings... and If my loved ones including myself will see to it... hang on thru it, and fight till the end of time.

 

It is only when I am with him, close to him that I can truly be myself and not worry. If when I am with him, that nothing else mattered.

 

Ya Allah, murahkan lah rezeki ku, panjangkanlah umur ibu bapa kami, percepatkan la jodoh kami, dan Ya Allah, jauhkan kami dari maksiat dan gangguan syaitan, Ya Allah. Permudahkan la niat kami yang murni, Ya Allah. Amin Amin Ya Rabbal Alamin~