My first cry for 2009

Today I cried..

Why? Because I've become so fragile that everything irritates me and everything seemed to have hurt me a lot more than what it used to... Everything for my goodwill seem to backfire.... All I want was a quiet night breathing in fresh air, filling my hungry tummy, being loved, being hugged, being told that i'm loved...

And I always end up making people hate me, making people scold me, making people nag at me, making people talk about me... My mouth just couldn't stop whining and complaining of all the unequality, the unfairness, the lack of what i want, what i need.. and all I need to shut my mouth was a hug.. I tried asking, nothing.. I tried demanding, nothing...

I ended up crying silently.. and soon I couldn't take it anymore and start tearing so much I wish I was just dead then... Why has it become so hard? Why is it so hard for someone whom I love so much to understand me? Why is it so hard for someone to know when to tell me and when to just hug me and not speak? I know I am no good.. I know I need guidance.. But sometimes, I just wish someone would say something nice to begin with before my bads..

I wish that someone is reading, but I doubt he has the time... So much about my fancy illusions.. It only lasted for this long.. and then it'll be just the way it was.... Nothing has changed.. Not me, not him... Not us... So who's to make the move?

I feel so down, I should have just cancelled this meet up regardless of how much I wanted to spend time and missed him... So much about I should have done this, I should have done that.. Because I've done what I shouldn't and so what's the point of regretting and crying right now... Noone's here to console me and give me a big hug anyway...

Noone cares, or do they?