Too much?

I dunno if I was asking for too much.. I realised that I can't totally rely on any of my sisters or family. I dunno if it was envy, jealousy or for the good. They don't totally support me(and I mean moral support NOT financial support) when I took up sports, or when I decide to enrol for a degree. Neither were they supportive when I applied for insurance or investments.

All I did, was to ask my sisters to be a witness of the insurance cum investment that I applied for just so they know who to contact should anything happen to me. And they came up with excuses of inconvenience, and start asking me what kind of insurance I took up just because their insurance did not require any sort of witness. I should have asked them what insurance they applied for since it doesnt require any witness. Wasn't a witness requirement suppose to assure you that they are not out to cheat or take in your money that you have insured and invested when something happened to you?

Ha.. So much for relying and turning to family members eh? I should have known. Whatever I did, for good or bad, they were never there. Never once were they supportive, in fact, they were more judgemental on everything I do. They said I never will change. Well, this is me. I do what others don't. I took risk so I wont regret. I took a different route because I am different, unlike typical humans who are just indifferent.

What wrong did I do, to be different? What is so wrong about trying and experimenting what they didn't? They never realise how much they mean to me.. And they never will. And one day when I made it.. I guess they would be the first ones to come up and say, I'm glad you made it, I prayed for you bla bla bla.. Maybe they really did, but hey... I need more than silent support... I need people to believe in me, and in what I do.. Not someone who would sit and point out all the things I did wrong or the things that might happen if it didnt turn out quite right. I need people to tell me that even if things weren't right they would stand by me..

Fine.. I guess I am indeed asking for too much. But I have known what kind of a person you are.. Indifferent, judgemental and will never make it as far as I did.. Like what Sharmie always say, THIS IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN EDUCATED PEOPLE AND INEDUCATED PEOPLE!

They don't fucking get it through their heads because they never want to take the risk. They don't fucking realise that the world is different and they dont fucking realise that their mindset is that of the golden times. They never will make it far. They never will, because they are always contented with what they already have and not want to have more.

I am different, I can be contented, but I wanted more than what I already have. I want to go that sky high and still be aware of where Earth is. I think I'd be better off alone. No family, with little friends. I guess thats why many parent-less children made it far, because it's easier to earn support and respect that way. Because there'd be noone to judge them and noone to tell them which route they should go. They just follow their own self-instinct.

I know I shouldnt wish to be parent-less. Hell, I fucking appreciate my parents and what they have done for me. My parents can disappoint me in whatever way, they deserve the right as much as they shouldn't be. My sisters, I thought they were supportive, I thought they would believe in me... But I was wrong.. I can never rely on them. They will always be somewhere away from me, they can expect millions of things from me, and get me to do it for them, but when asked to do a little favour like meeting my financial consultant just so they know they can contact someone to help me out financially by claiming insurance on my behalf, they just couldn't. They just have better things to do.. And maybe I don't. Maybe I'm just SO FUCKING FREE that I can do anything for them whenever they want me to.

Well, I do know they had done a lot of things and sacrifice a lot for me.. And maybe this is my retribution. Well, what goes around, comes around.. I'm not cursing, just saying. Don't come asking my opinion. It's worthless.

And maybe I've got no fucking feelings.. They can hurt me however they want, I'll still be breathing and kicking alive.

I'll do what I want to do, and what I feel like doing. And when all fails, I'll do what I think could make me feel better. I don't fucking need anyone no more. And when I am no longer, don't regret it when someone else claims my money. You made the choice, not me.

Lastly, thank you. I really do appreciate everything you've done. However, I can't possibly promise you that I'll be forever here for you. One day, I won't be. I don't do things for the sake of doing it, I believe all of you know that by now. Once again, Thanks!

Love in my own words....

I have had a little conversation with someone lately... Of what I thought about love. Of what love truly means.. And I ended up writing a lot that amaze both of us.. It's weird how words just flow out in name of love.

Maybe I should share of what I think, of what I had written about LOVE;

Love may not be seen, but it cant be hidden. It will be spread and it will grow deep inside till it reproduce to something more. Commitments or other, it simply doesnt die.

Love is something that is more than just alive, it gives you jive to live and move on till the day it depletes and never felt.

Love is a word that has millions of explanation with none correct to what you feel because Love you felt is something no other will feel. It's an experience only you will go through.It's unique just like how you are different and special. Like how noone else is as similar as you are, no love is ever the same for it comes from the heart not from the brains.

Love blossoms and continue to grow with every season in every second. No matter how the environment changes, love may and may never change at all.

When love is spoken from the heart, you can't hear with naked ears but you feel what it speaks to you and understand not with your mind but with your soul..

Love hurts when you know not what is going on. Love hurts when you cant feel love no more. But love is the one thing that makes you stronger and more determined to find it through many means. And it hurts when it tests you of your inner strenght.

Love is what love is, honestly I am running out of words but it is something you can think about all the time... because Love is a never-ending story for love never depletes but grows..

People say, Love is an international language because it's a language everyone speaks and show- from the moment you're born for you're created out of love, and you'll grow with love and hopefully die with love.

Love is a thinking tool that doesnt use your brains but test your feelings deep within.

As much as love had inspired me to move on and continue my life as per normal, love has led me to being paranoil of what love will lead you to. Theoritically, love should lead to happy marriage, children and such. But marriage, for as far as I know, doesnt always last, and is not always a happy one.

Having experienced what I've had to experience, I became paranoid at the hearing the word - commited relationships. As much as I yearned for someone's love, I am afraid of being hurt, of being left unattended without a word.

As much as I know not all men are the same, I know ultimately they are - just men with dicks and balls. As much as I needed attention, love, care and concern, I do appreciate my private space and time alone.

As much as I've straightened out what I want, I still havent truly know what I want in my man. Maybe it's women's nature to have the best of both worlds.. But who doesnt?

I am confused with what I want, how I want it and when I want it... I need time, but sadly, time waits for nobody.

Yours Truly,
JMY