Love me, Love me not...

Today was good, I guess.. An appointment with her... Went fairly well, got a good laugh, got myself an one off extension for my Prom Night (got the curfew extended till midnight), talked about things on the job front, my family issues... Almost everything, except my love life...

Met him for lunch, then met her to get her hair done... Then him again to watch movie. We caught "Guess Who". It was great, good laugh, set me thinking.. Ashton Kucher is great and had always been great in comedy-like shows. He has always been, maybe it's his smile, maybe it's his hair, or maybe it's him.. But he's good.. I liked him until I got to know he is going out with a women so much older than him.. Well, not that age matter.. but he who has almost everything a man can ask, is going out with a women so much older than him.. I thought I wouldn't wanna watch his movies again, until i asked myself if an actor's marital status really matter, which in fact doesn't coz it's the performance of his acting that really matters.. I dunno why I am writing this out...

My mom looks more dead today, she was slouching on the couch almost lifeless, not moving her body, only her eyes are moving following me until I ask if she's coming on Thursday.. She murmured something like she isn't sure.. Oh great! Now my mom don't care, does she? She never cares about what's happening in my life, in my world. All she cares about is what people is gonna say, what people see and how people would react. Then my dad got home, she lifelessly and rudely asked my dad to open the door himself. I dunno who opened the door for whom in the end but my dad got in, he looks like he's in a better mood.. I told him to come if he finishes early on Thursday, a reaction I expressed after getting a negative response from my mom. Well, if a mom don't really care, why would a father care more? I am no longer excited about the appearance on Thursday, I am more embarrassed coz no one really cares except myself.. (and Mr).

Something struck me and this phrase got out of nowhere and I start to think that it's true; That I have more secrets than I ever really have, maybe I have more secrets underlying myself which I myself dunno about myself. I started asking myself if my love is real, if I am really worth being loved. Who am I? I keep telling myself that maybe I am paranoil about relationships after having everything crushing down on me and have only myself to pick up the pieces, not that noone else helped... Just maybe I don't let them coz I wanna be stronger and not weaker. But everytime I bump into love, I got weak... How can I love someone else, when I am having an affair with myself? How can I give love when I can't give myself some love? How can I be there for someone else, when I was never there for myself? Who am I? I tried to love myself, but I became my enemy... I know what it feels like as a whole, but I tried not to get too used to it with the fear of being left all alone to once again pick up the little pieces and put them together whilst everything is crushing on my little body.

Another tow of PMS? Maybe... but i think it's getting too emotional and when it does, it would start interupting with how I see things, how I think and how I do things... Or maybe it won't at all.. I love him, yeah.. I do... but why? Is it because of his kindness? Or was it generousity? Or was it charity that I was calling for? Or was he just sympathizing me? What is it with love? Must there really be a reason to love someone? Will it be sufficient just by loving and being loved?

I am in a tow of confusion with what matters with the heart. I am confused over my emotions. I am confused over everything. This is just the beginning...