We went on to talk about other things over dinner. It felt awkward, but safe. It also felt like I am cheating on my husband on some parts for some odd reasons, but it felt safe at the same time. I guess I felt safe because we are grieving two same people in our lives. Also because he was the 2nd person in his family that I vibe instantly with and was able to be very much myself around like I would with my husband (the first being my FIL).
And as awkward as it could get, we suddenly spoke about remarrying, and I just quickly say it isn't an easy route as much as we may think especially when there are children, or for his case, and ex wife. Children of his are at the age where they are at their peak, they wouldn't want to see their father remarry only because they don't want a new mother or feels that if he does, he is wanting this new person to replace their mother. Most often children object strongly because they haven't experience marriage and loss. I mean marriage isn't just being together, it is a connection that is unexplained until you have been married. There are just some things you only tell and share with your spouse and not anyone else. There are just some things that only your spouse knows and understands and not others. Similar to having to tell your father some things which you wont tell your mother and vice.
For me? I am not looking. However, I am only human. I dunno if Allah SWT had in store for me another jodoh. I am also only human to yearn for companionship. I am 40, most of my friends are married with young children, who do I really have? My nieces and nephews are adults with their own agenda and priorities. As much as I am independent, there are some limitations. I want to go holiday, I want to bring my mother and I honestly don't feel too safe if it is just me and her, I somehow prefer to have a man with us. And who? I don't know. I mean I can ask my male friends, but people would talk, he might think differently, I might think differently and then we will all be awkward around each other, I dunno.
Another major thing that made me not consider remarrying is also of my shortcomings. I am not the typical malay wife, I guess. I don't do ironing, I don't exactly cook (especially not the Malay dishes), I probably can't give them zuriat. I just feel like there is a lot of lacking on my part, and feel like it is only my husband who knows and loves me that much despite all those things I couldn't or didn't want to do.
Being a widow sort of gives me freedom to pursue many things like going hiking, downgrading myself to part time, pursuing another course, attending many events and what nots. I don't think I want to ever be restricted, I also find myself not being impressed with many things. So if there is anyone out there.. I think whoever he may be, is truly up for a big challenge. Or perhaps I would meet my match, who knows? Ain't gonna fight to struggle, that's for sure.
Being a widow sort of gives me freedom to pursue many things like going hiking, downgrading myself to part time, pursuing another course, attending many events and what nots. I don't think I want to ever be restricted, I also find myself not being impressed with many things. So if there is anyone out there.. I think whoever he may be, is truly up for a big challenge. Or perhaps I would meet my match, who knows? Ain't gonna fight to struggle, that's for sure.
Whatever it may be out there in the future, all I know is that Allah would be there for me and if it is decreed for me to be all alone. Alone I shall be. And if He sends me a man, may the man be on good strong faith of Islam, who would hold my hand, be the kindness and most gentle to me, and together guide each other towards Jannah. Aamiin!
Allahumma bariik, all good comes from Allah. If this entry offended you, the fault lies in my shortcomings. Forgive me.
Allahumma bariik, all good comes from Allah. If this entry offended you, the fault lies in my shortcomings. Forgive me.
Have a good week, everyone.
Wassalam.
