Why again??!!

Like it's never enough... Haiz..

Unhappy again... He promised.. but in the end everything screwed up... I had to ask for everything... Why? Do I not deserved to be offered? Do I not deserve to haiz....

If i had to ask then he'll give, wouldn't that mean he's not sincere or that i dun deserve it?? I had been telling him day in day out what I want, what i expected. But nothing changed!!! Maybe for awhile it would.. But he never did get the true meaning or what i really mean and what i want...

And when he tell me umpteen times, and I never listened or failed to learn my lesson.. The whole earth would be shaken...

Why is it so hard for him to understand me? Why is it so hard for him to make me happy??

He kept saying i never appreciate... How am I to show him my appreciation???!!! Does everything needs a reward or something in return?? He promised... He broke the promise.. not a sorry if I never mention it... WTH??????

WHY????

I dunno know what love is anymore... I dunno if he loved me or if I still should be loving him anymore... Must I really repeat myself over and over for him to make me happy??

Ok fine, he's sick... When I asked him to meet me just him and me.. he would say 1001 reasons why he can't. When i say oh there's 14 of us.. He'd reply wait up 20 min i'll be there... WTH????!!!!!

He came, no kiss.. I said nothing.. Moving off home, no kiss... i said nothing.. He promised he'd bring me over to his place.. He didn't i said nothing in front of our friends.. I texted him when i reach home... And he said I'm being PETTY!!! WTH???!!!! He said he dun like it if i throw tantrums in front of friends and other ppl.. I stopped..

I keep trying to be positive... But he keep making me feel so useless and so upset.... WHY????

I hate him, but the more I hate him, the more I love him... I feel like killing him, but I want him all the more... What is this all about?? Why must I feel this way?? Will he ever make me happy and make me remain happy or is every happiness gonna end with double the sadness/anger??

Online Shopping Addiction for 2009

Ha~ I bought these items 2009

Paid
- Crumpler Soupansalad Messenger bag - received on 24th Jan
- Crumpler Orange Messenger bag - (for my niece #1)
- Crumpler Camouflage Messenger bag - (for my niece #2)
- My baby's sprocket
- Aprilia RSW250 Casey Stoner 1/24th
- My baby's fairing bolt kit (crome)
- My baby's ultimate crash protector
- my baby's anodised bar ends

Been outbid~~
- my baby's genuine fairing screw set (gold) [to ridiculous to pay more than SGD 50 excl shipping to me, so refused to bid again... didn't know so high demand this thing.. Last time bid also kena outbid... Irritating only]

Looking for list
- front and rear brake disc
- balancing gear
- brake and gear lever
- clutch lever
- full fairing sticker
- full racing suit
- full face helmet

I am in full shopping mode.. Think i'll go broke and mad soon... Anyway, most items for my baby are to be kept and used only mid or end of this year.. hee..

My first cry for 2009

Today I cried..

Why? Because I've become so fragile that everything irritates me and everything seemed to have hurt me a lot more than what it used to... Everything for my goodwill seem to backfire.... All I want was a quiet night breathing in fresh air, filling my hungry tummy, being loved, being hugged, being told that i'm loved...

And I always end up making people hate me, making people scold me, making people nag at me, making people talk about me... My mouth just couldn't stop whining and complaining of all the unequality, the unfairness, the lack of what i want, what i need.. and all I need to shut my mouth was a hug.. I tried asking, nothing.. I tried demanding, nothing...

I ended up crying silently.. and soon I couldn't take it anymore and start tearing so much I wish I was just dead then... Why has it become so hard? Why is it so hard for someone whom I love so much to understand me? Why is it so hard for someone to know when to tell me and when to just hug me and not speak? I know I am no good.. I know I need guidance.. But sometimes, I just wish someone would say something nice to begin with before my bads..

I wish that someone is reading, but I doubt he has the time... So much about my fancy illusions.. It only lasted for this long.. and then it'll be just the way it was.... Nothing has changed.. Not me, not him... Not us... So who's to make the move?

I feel so down, I should have just cancelled this meet up regardless of how much I wanted to spend time and missed him... So much about I should have done this, I should have done that.. Because I've done what I shouldn't and so what's the point of regretting and crying right now... Noone's here to console me and give me a big hug anyway...

Noone cares, or do they?

Me & My Baby

Finally found out what's behind the rattling sound in my baby and what's causing her to have difficulty changing her gears... It's her broken oil seal in crankshaft...

Okay... Let's recapped with what happened today..

Took out 14 jobs, did 7 nos 2 way job and 1 no. 1 way job.. At one of job... I had to go to this bungalow house at Swiss Club Avenue... it was a down slope... parked my bike at the side and went to find the house... It was downslope so didn't wanna risk going down only to struggle going up... I parked close to the kerb maybe two long steps before it becomes a downslope.. Then walked down the slope to find the right house... Armed my bike as I walked down... House found, customer in... bring in all the documents.. probably spent like 10mins then my alarm vibrate... was wondering who touched my bike.. wanted to run to my bike, but scared customer come out... My number was private so she can't call me back also.. so i waited, hoping all is fine.. and it's just someone accidentally touch or something minor like that... 15min later then customer come out... Almost wanna faint under the hot sun with worries filling my mind...

I then rushed to my bike.. it was still upright, I sighed a relief.. as I wanna put my key into the ignition, i saw my signal light cover... I got off.... see my signal light.. still ok, just without it's orange cover thingy... so ok... then one bangla run to me, "this bike, fall.. lorry come and go... I carry up this thing come off..." I could barely believed my ears... it doesnt look that bad, so I thought lorry must have brushed it and it fell, as it's leaning a lot of its side stand.. hmm.. Well I thought, just signal light, from what i see... then i asked the bangla if he take plate number.. Sadly, he didn't... I did saw a lorry come out when i was waiting for the customer, but who would have thought i'd need its plate number eh... My shitty luck.. Oh well... Let's move on...

As I was finishing my last bit, Jeff called to ask me go collect jobs at Toa Payoh North after 1230pm.. So I just went there... reached on the dot... smoked.. then went up to collect job... Then return office... Reach around 1 plus... Talk to Jeff, William, other riders... Then got one guy ride Aprilia '07 so chat with him up.. talk talk... then another guy ride TZM also chatted with him.. I was actually waiting for El... She ask me wait since long time never meet and talk to her..

Then 3 plus left office go K's place to get my gear oil... Then went FM, reach there around 5plus.. told AS what needed to be done.. then went off to eat with Shamie since she's at Planet and her bike was already done up... Then returned back to FM at 6.45pm.. My bike still not done, i was still in the queue.. AS just finished the bike before me.. so just nice, the bike before me go off... my bike next..

I changed the fibre in my exhaust, AS say need to change liao... Then serviced my valve, my carburetor, airbox... everything that needs to be looked at, basically...

Then change gear oil, AS discovered the problem that caused me to wonder and worry about the rattling noise and much smoke... The oil seal in the crankshaft needs to be replaced... But he let me ride for 2 weeks with more gear oil first, then he ask me come back and change one shot.. then I'll be able to try AGIP in my baby... Woohoo...

Next week i'll go again to realign my wiring... so messy...

Hmm... And Oh I had a busy week my god... 12 or more hours working each day. But it perks me up everyday that I woke up... So that's good... haha... It's nice to be busy 24/7 sometimes...

Was it just me?

Well... Where shall I start?

Hmmm.. My baby.. She's been giving this rattling sound everytime I change my gear... Time to change gear oil? I've only rode 2000km since my last gear oil change... I dunno... Just me? Or she's having some difficulty somewhere and need a check up?

K has been really sweet since new year.. Just an illusion from my confused mind or is this for real?

31st december:
He texted me... I told him gonna go meet KJL guys at Pasir Ris BBQ pit.. He say okay and that he's fine even if I wanna overnight... I didn't give it real thought.. He texted again to ask where I am.. Didn't hear my phone so only replied like 2 hours later... Told him I was home playing with my nieces and nephew and that I was at the BBQ pit only for awhile. He trust my honesty...

Next day(1st Jan) was pretty quiet, understood that he's tired from many hours of work... But he did texted me in the morning to ask if I'm up already... Spent the whole day at home with my sisters and kids....

2nd Jan:
Worked afternoon and night. Suppose to meet him but he was busy so I told him it's okay meet another day... Texted him again to say I'm joining the ARC guys at Mosi later... He say okay...

3rd Jan (right after midnight):
He called me later... talked for awhile... Then ask for a goodnight kiss... and so we exchange kisses over the phone.. I dun remember if we have done this before.. I dun think so.. But it's really sweet, when I think about it...

3rd Jan (night):
I texted him to ask if it's okay to meet the ARC guys coz i was bored, he said okay... Suppose to meet ragnaphobia at 10.30... ended up he came at 11plus... Waited awhile for Sham but he didnt arrive and Hybrid and Fahmi already on their way to Cine.. so I texted Sham to meet direct at Cine... K texted to ask where we are..

4th Jan(right after midnight):
Sham arrived at Cine.. soon after Isa also came.. ate at BK.. then we made a move to Taka/Wisma there... Shamie arrived.. Updated K where we were, said he'd arrive in 20min... 40min later no show.. texted... then he replied OTR.. so we waited... He shook hands with everyone, then came to me, play with my hair and kissed my forehead... I can't help but feel so loved suddenly....

Then when we wanted to go to the toilet... he held my hand... then toilet closed.. So we headed down to Esso... Then we all went to Kent Ridge... Talked about track, tires.. skills... cornering.. bla3... Then as we got tired... see the time.. already 5am... then at around 6am we decide to head home.. He came to me and kissed me again..

Then i texted him to say I was home at abt 6.15am... Then he called.. We talked and then he said he'll call later, then we hung up...

Now here I am.. typing this out... still wondering if this is all for real, and if it'd last... Is it because I missed him as we havent spend a lot of time together since our last trip? OR is this just an illusion of my confused mind? Or is really for real? Can someone hit me with a FF AGV helmet and tell me it's not a dream...

I need help.... I need to pychologist... I need to go for therapy perhaps..