It's tough going, another rough patch in life.... History seem to be repeating itself... I didn't and never ask for things to go this way... Why must my mom say harsh things like, "You're a constant disappointment to the family", "dari dlm perut sampai dah ada hasil sendiri menyusahkan aku je" translated into, you're a burden to me since forever, "you dried up my tears since day1", "no matter how much we love you, you never did", etc.
Why? I've had this conversation plenty of times before... She told me it isn't money she's after, she just want me by her side, and when I never give her the monthly usual, she would have told relatives about it, and when I'm home everyday, there'll still be something not right about things i do....
She keep asking me to bring bf home so father can marry me off.. But why would they want that? What's the point? I would have done that if I'm ready... I don't wanna settle down just as yet... Why the force?
I should never say this, but I'm old enough. They said because I'm divorced, I'm under their responsibility, but wouldn't that make second sis just the same, the only difference is she has kids and I don't. Are they saying that if i had kids, I could live of my own and never return home, and only do when I think I should? Doesn't sound right, does it?
My second sister seemed to be the only one who understands me in the family. She knows it's my fault and that I know it's my fault, she doesn't make me feel worse than I already am. She just tell me her opinion and suggestions. She never force anything down my throat. Why couldn't mom just be more like her? I know she miss me, i miss her too... But sometimes, I just need time out and be alone to make my own choices and decision. I just miss my independence really.
Friends, i haven't been contacting my dearest poly friends, even Sharmie... I miss them... I really do, but I can't seem to bring myself to see them in this state. Sometimes I just hope they know the shit I'm going through and not accuse me of forgetting my friends... I really hope you guys understand me at this point....
Relationship with KI has been good, maintaining the good times we've spent, intending to go through whatever it takes together, and see what the future brings... And work on being together... He helps me out in many things that I never could imagine he would.
Work, the problems I'm facing now brings me down at times, but everything seem to be in control...
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
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